Ramblings of an Idiot

See You In Hell, Candy Boys

2006-05-23T10:21:00.000-04:00

I am pleased to announce that, effective as of this post, I will no longer be posting to this blog. Instead, I will be posting to this one. As a bonus to my adoring fans, I have migrated over my archives, including comments, so that no stupidity will go unforgotten. If we can't look bad at the stupidity, the terrorists have truly won.

This Post Will Self-Destruct In 5 Seconds... So Read Fast

2006-05-08T14:16:00.000-04:00

Anna and I saw Mission: Impossible 3 last night. In regards to the previous films, I found the first to be quite cerebral and entertaining, but in desperate need of a second viewing to catch all the clues. The second, on the other hand, had a slow-motion sequence where Tom Cruise walks through a door weilding dual pistols while birds fly past him toward the camera -- in other words, so very John Woo as to be a cliche. Also, it had that awful Limp Bizkit song -- no, not that one, the other awful Limp Bizkit song. No, not that one, either -- instead of the timeless Mission Impossible theme.

So it was that Anna and I entered the theatre and left not-unhappy with the use of our time and my money. To be honest, it was fairly entertaining, sitting somewhere between the two previous films: it wasn't so moronic that it filled me with rage, but it will not require a second viewing to truly appreciate. Indeed, you can guess the villain quite early, just as Anna did (I was too busy trying to understand how our super-top-secret organization came to have an Irish guy and a (presumably) Chinese woman in it), but it doesn't hinder your enjoyment.

What did hinder my enjoyment a bit were a few infuriating WTF moments. Since it's an action movie, the laws of physics are taken more as suggestions (see the parachute scene), but I've come to expect that. Better are things like when, after the first operation, the team goes to the trouble of destroying their vehicle, but simply leave behind the four huge, remotely-operated machine guns they used. Nobody in Berlin is going to wonder what the hell that's all about? I also enjoyed the portable defibrillator that required 30 seconds to charge up before being used. I can understand a charge time between uses, but beforehand? They've got a machine that makes masks from images of a person, but they can't get a defibrillator you can use quickly? Also, the IMF security can be defeated by holding down the talk button on a walkie-talkie. That seems like a good plan.

I suppose I should be suspending disbelief, but I find that especially hard to do when the main character is Tom Cruise. To his credit, Cruise has had some fantastic movies over his career, but I never think of him as his character. He's always Tom Cruise: Tom Cruise in a pilot's uniform, Tom Cruise in Navy whites, Tom Cruise in a suit dragging around an autistic guy. In this case, he's Tom Cruise in a T-shirt, which is, naturally, the standard dress for secret agents everywhere -- except for James Bond, who all the other secret agents mock for being so prissy. So if we're going to cast Tom Cruise in a role, we need him to bring something to the table other than getting to see his patented "I'm going to cry"/"I am going to crap my pants" look that we've all grown to love. Sure, ten years ago when the first film came out Tom Cruise might have been a great choice for his ability to look excessively intense, but in the time since, the bar has been raised. When Cruise near the end of this movie yells, "There's no time!", I can't help but feel that Keifer Sutherland does it much better. In fact, I began to wonder if maybe there wasn't just a little more time.

Okay, I'm being harsh for no reason, because the movie is actually quite good. J. J. Abrams, who is so hot in Hollywood right now that he routinely vaporizes the women who throw themselves at him, does a pretty solid job. I personally hate handicam shots with a passion (there's a reason the steadicam was invented: jumpy shots look bad), but it's used to pretty good effect during the absurd parachute scene mentioned above. My biggest complaint is with the overwhelming number of close-ups. Tom Cruise up close is bad enough (It allowed me to determine that his buck teeth are out of line with his face. Kinda creepy once you notice it.), but if I ever see another twenty-foot-wide image of Philip Seymour Hoffman's sweaty face again, it's do-it-yourself trephination for me.

Anyway, overall it's entertaining and probably better than the average summer blockbuster. I give it three stars, one heart, and two clovers -- but no red ballons.

Wii Are Not Amused

2006-04-27T15:05:00.000-04:00

Dear Nintendo,

You have stupidly decided to take your new console, which you were calling Revolution, and rename it Wii (pronounced "we"). Have you completely lost your minds? Who the hell wants something called Wii? Did they miss all the obvious jokes here? "I'm going to go play with my Wii." Doesn't that sound a little fucked up to any of you? Do you even have marketing people?

This isn't the first time you've done this, either. Remember back when the N64 was called the Ultra 64? "Ultra 64" is a kickass name, just like "Revolution". Hell, calling the thing the Gamecube 360 would have been a better idea (or, to beat out the competition, the Gamecube 361). But "Wii" is just terrible. Here are some recent edits of the Wikipedia page, just as a taste of the response by gamers (Actually, the one where any long e sound became "ii" made me chuckle).

"Wii has a distinctive "ii" spelling that symbolizes both the unique controllers and the image of people gathering to play." Nice try, Wii-tards, but I don't think so. Feel free to pick a new name ASAP, and wii will all pretend this never happened.

Love, Ben

You, Sir, Are My Hero

2006-04-25T20:03:00.000-04:00

Anyone who has not yet read Denise Richards' account of her relationship with Charlie Sheen is -- at best -- barely worth knowing. None of it comes as a surprise, considering ol' Charlie's past, but that doesn't make it any less entertaining. I'd watch a TV movie about this, but I'd need better actors to portray them.

In other news, I don't know if I've mentioned it yet, but anyone who doesn't give Dr. McNinja a try needs mental help more than Charlie Sheen. Seriously, dude's a ninja with a medical degree. Granted, he's a podiatrist, which is the medical equivalent to being Prime Minister of Canada: sure you're the Prime Minister, but it's still Canada. But he's doing more with his life than you are with yours, unless, of course, you're a comptrolling space pirate. And if you were, why would you be reading this? There's a budget to be balanced! In space! ARRR!

Finger On The Pulse -- Or Closer To The Pulse, At Least

2006-04-25T19:30:00.000-04:00

Tremble before me, suckers. My blog now has a Google Page Rank of 2, up from 1. Beside being 100% better than before, I feel my new Page Rank is indicative of a underground swell of support for all things me. I predict this trend continuing until I have a previously impossible Page Rank of 11, and am named undisputed King of the World.

Long Way To Go

2006-04-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I bought a new desktop PC. My old one is aging poorly, and I'm concerned about how many more power outages it's going to take to kill the poor thing once and for all. Anyway, not being interested in building a machine from scratch at the moment, I simply opted to buy a cheap but functional pre-built unit from CompUSA. Because it's primary use will be as a server, all I really cared about, after all, was the 64-bit processor, the big hard drive, and the available RAM.

I get the machine (which had Windows Media Center Edition on it) home, and begin the process of upgrading it to a better OS. The results are not pleasing, and so I shall vent about the various options below:

Fedora Core 5 - My "go to" distribution. The installer is still the most pleasant and professional I've experienced. Too bad that X has some bug where the mouse does not show up for nVidia graphics cards. This was easily fixed by changing one line in xorg.conf, but shouldn't the installer make this change for me? It did recognize the card in the first place. Also, the system recognizes the built-in 5.1 sound card, but refuses to play 2 channel stereo through it. Because that makes sense. Oh, and Apache core dumps whenever you try to start it. These problems, while none of them deal breakers, are what pushed me to try something else.
FreeBSD 6.0 - I decided to try a BSD variant, and FreeBSD is by far the leader. Too bad the installer gives a "status 36" error whenever it tries to create the root partition. I mean, it's not like you really need a root partition, right? Investigation (i.e. Google) returned no solutions to this problem, just a lot of forum threads where nobody is able to resolve it. Goodbye, FreeBSD.
OpenBSD - I didn't even get a chance to download this ISO because they don't offer a Torrent file and the download server rejected my connection. Any OS that can't offer me a Torrent in this day in age does not deserve to live.
Slackware - Slackware STILL doesn't use the 2.6 kernel in a stable release, despite the fact that it has been out since, what, 2003?
Gentoo - Don't even get me started on Gentoo's joke of an install process. Call me when you guys get around to creating an installer, fellas. I'm quite good at Linux, but I have neither the time nor energy to dick around with this bullshit.
SUSE 10.0 OSS - I figured that since SUSE is owned by Novell now, it would have to at least have a professional installer. It's not bad, except that I did a net install, and it required me to give it the IP address and path to the install source. This was not hard, but it was entirely stupid. Why not have a list of possible locations, and give me an option to add my own. After all, the SUSE install page gives you the list of locations for the install source. Why do I have to do the work of looking up the IPs and inputting all that data? Oh, and even when I got it install, the video didn't work, and the services configuration tool crashes because it doesn't recognize the distribution I'm using. Just poorly done all around.

Thanks, I'll Keep That In Mind

2006-04-19T20:44:00.000-04:00

Seen on a signboard on the Inner Loop of the Beltway, just after the Wilson Bridge:

Speed Limit
55 MPH

Strickly
Inforced

As true today, as when it was written.

Fear The Slightly More Obscure Turtles

2006-04-04T23:09:00.000-04:00

Okay, so Maryland's football and men's basketball teams were disappointing this year, but it's still been a good year for Terps' sports. The women's basketball team just wrapped up an incredibly entertaining game to win the NCAA Championship, with the added bonus of beating Duke in overtime. Maryland joins UNC, UConn, and Stanford as the only schools with basketball championships for both sexes. If you didn't catch the game and you enjoy basketball (even when women are playing), check it out. The 10 point deficit at halftime is probably much easier to watch when you know they come back to win.

The Terps also won the national championships this year in soccer and field hockey (who also beat Duke), two even-lower-tier sports, perhaps, but, nonetheless, it warrants mentioning. And there's still the lacrosse seasons to go (Men's lacrosse is consistently good, and women's made the finals every year from 1990 to 2001, winning 8. Also, it's the state team sport of Maryland, which is just information I enjoy sharing.). I guess winning three national championships in a single school year is as good as, say, the football team making a bowl game. Especially because two of the three wins -- women's basketball and soccer -- I actually watched and enjoyed.

Enough rambling, as most of my readers don't give a damn about sports. I just thought I'd point out the surprising success of the Terps athletic programs.

Why Salary Sucks

2006-02-25T23:00:00.000-05:00

It's 11:00 pm. It's Saturday. I've been working since 5:30 this morning. I probably have another five hours to go. I'm tired and cold. And what do I get for this effort? Nothing. How the hell is that fair? Last weekend (including the holiday on Monday), I worked over 40 hours -- in addition to my regular 40+ during the week. There has to be some compensation, or I'm going to perform do-it-yourself trephination with a .38. Oh, well, back to work. -Benjamin Storer Project Manager S & J Service, Inc.

I Demand A Refund

2006-02-22T08:57:00.000-05:00

It has fallen to me to inform you all that Anna and I got engaged on Thursday. Money will be accepted in lieu of comments of congratulations -- please, no pocket change.

I did not post this earlier because I worked all weekend, and had no time or energy to do so. Also, I figured Anna would blog about it, but apparently she's too busy turning into a raving lunatic. I'm not sure that I've had a single conversation with her since the proposal that she did not at some point sway -- no matter how abruptly -- to the topic of wedding planning. "Hey, Anna, what do you want for dinner?" "I'm in the mood for someth-- who should be our flower girl?" Seriously, within ten minutes of putting on the engagement ring, she was peppering me with questions about when we should have the wedding.

Movin' On Up

2006-01-30T22:47:00.000-05:00

We moved to a new office at work today. We went from the posh glamour -- some would liken it to Beverly Hills -- of Forestville to the scenic landscapes of Lanham. Your jealousy is well justified, I assure you. Sure, our new offices, unlike the old, lack a hobo living in the electrical closet and using the building as a makeshift restroom. But despite being hobo-free, the new place is still better. The new place has bigger, nicer offices, and the promise of a T1 to be installed whenever Verizon gets off their lazy asses and does something, so, you know, any minute now.

Sarcasm aside, I will not be missing the pungent odor of hobo pee. And Verizon is bound to install the T1 line eventually (Mathematically speaking, there isn't a 0% chance of Verizon doing their job, so given enough time, they're bound to do it. I'll not be holding my breath, though). As soon as I finish setting up my office, things should be pretty sweet. Too bad the local Subway (notice the capital letter, implying sandwiches and a total lack of underground electric trains) is pretty sucky. Would it kill them to have the oil and vinegar in separate bottles? What if I wanted oil, but not vinegar? What then, Jared?!?

What Gives?

2006-01-20T09:27:00.000-05:00

I know I don't live in Maryland anymore, but it's a shame, because I really hate Governor Bob Ehrlich. Every week he goes on the radio with the Sports Junkies on WJFK, ostensibly to pick football games. Occasionally, though, he'll use it as a forum to explain why he's right and everybody else is wrong. The Junkies are, of course, simply happy to have somebody of his stature on the radio, so they don't really argue with him, even though he's a moron. Granted, they're morons, too. To get to my point, though, I just caught a minute or two of Ehlich this morning, when he was trying to justify his veto on the recently overturned bill that will raise Maryland's minimum wage $1 from the federal rate of $5.15 to $6.15. Hey, Bob, let's do a little math, shall we? Try and keep up.

The current federal minimum wage, which, until the new rate goes into effect in about a month, is also the rate in Maryland, was inacted on September 1, 1997, over 8 years ago. According to the Consumer Price Index, cost of living has increased by 21.68% between 1997 and 2005. In effect, this means that what could be purchased for $100 in 1997 would now cost $121.68. Further, to purchase now what an hour's pay, $5.15, would have bought in 1997, you would need $6.27, which is eight cents more than the increased rate. That means these people on minimum wage are not even getting a cost-of-living increase in pay.

Let's go, now, to the flip side of the coin. When Ehrlich took office in 2003, his salary was $135,000. Two years later in 2005, it was $145,000 -- his salary will increase $5,000 every year of his term. That's a 7.41% increase. But, according to the Consumer Price Index, the cost-of-living increase from 2003 to 2005 was only 6.14%, meaning that $135k from 2003 would be worth only $143,289. To clarify, that means that while minimum wage workers are slipping further into poverty as the cost of living climbs faster than their pay, while the Governor is getting raises beyond the cost of living.

And the above is not even why I hate him; it's his reasons for opposing the increase. The most common reason given for opposing minimum wage increases is that it will destroy small business, who are working on thin margins. Nonsense, says the Fiscal Policy Institute, whose April 2004 study shows that the number of small businesses in states with higher than federal minimum wages grew almost twice as much as those without. Employment growth was greater in those states as well. You can find the study on their website, if you'd like to review the numbers for yourselves.

But Ehrlich didn't even go this route. He gave some half-witted explanation about how if you're a drug addict mental patient with no education and no job skills, you just aren't worth $7. Comments like that make one seem really out of touch with reality. Does he honestly think all minimum wage workers are drug addicts or mental patients? If not, then what of all those people who aren't? They can't afford to buy the same groceries they could last year, let alone eight years ago when they last got a pay raise!

Perhaps Ehrlich is simply gifted at putting his foot in his mouth. Actually, there's no "perhaps" about it: Ehrlich's tenure has been marred by bad words and bad deeds. Remember all his comments about the Wal-Mart insurance bill? Or when he called multiculturalism "crap" and "bunk"? How about the entire slots fiasco? Oooh! What about the fact that his Deputy Chief of Staff, Ed Miller, was founder of GrassRoots Interactive, front company for Jack Abramoff? How do you feel about the fact that he hired Bo Harmon as political director for his reelection campaign? Harmon, you may recall, ran Saxby Chambliss' campaign against Max Cleland, wherein Cleland (who has a Silver Star and lost both legs and an arm fighting in Vietnam) was compared to Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Seriously, the list goes on and on, people. This is just what I could think of off the top of my head.

I don't live in Maryland any more. I shouldn't care what this nitwit is doing, but I do. The fact is, Ehrlich is viewed as a rising star in the Republican party, which means we could very well see him again on the national level, which would be even worse. How does Virginia have a better governor than Maryland?!? Oh, did you hear that Tim Kaine will be giving the Democratic response to the State of the Union this year? What the hell?

Redskins Roundup

2006-01-16T11:49:00.000-05:00

Well, the Redskins' season is over. I was right when I said they'd need 10 games to make the playoffs, and they certainly proved me wrong when I said they couldn't do it. If you had told me before the season that they were going to make it to the divisional round of the postseason, I would have been happy. And so I am. The extra bonus is that without a first round pick this year, the success doesn't hurt our draft status as much as it would otherwise. Granted, all of our picks will now be later, but it's not the difference between drafting an immediate contributor and a guy who needs a year to get acclimated, which is what you often see in the difference between picking 12th and 22nd, for example.

What, now, do the 'Skins need to do to improve next year? Clearly the offense needs some help. From all signs, Brunnell should be able to give you at least one more solid year, should he stay healthy. The glaring weakness is the utter lack of a second receiver. Do you realize that we snuck into the second round of the playoffs with a passing game that featured only 2 guys: Moss and Cooley? I believe between them, Patten, Thrash, and Jacobs totaled less than 500 yards on about 50 catches, which is dismal. The best thing is that you can always find a few solid #2 receivers in 2nd or 3rd round. We clearly have a #1 guy, which is the hardest to find.

Defensively, Gregg Williams has done a brilliant job getting production out of unknown players. Seriously, when did Lamar Marshall become a monster? Still, the 'Skins need a legit pass rusher on the defensive line, and they need another decent player in the secondary, because Walt Harris couldn't cover my grandmother at this point. She's 82, but she's spry.

Another bad spot for Washington is the special teams. The punter Frost is inconsistent and a stone cold lock to shank it in any situation where the 'Skins need a good punt. John Hall's power has declined severely, and his accuracy is worrisome. Take a look at teams that win the Super Bowl: they rarely have poor place kickers. Also, Antonio Brown couldn't catch bird flu if he were playing catch with the heads of dead chickens -- mainly because he can't play catch, he plays drop instead.

In all, I am elated that the Redskins made it as far as both the Patriots and the Colts, despite doing it with copious amounts of smoke and mirrors. It's nice to know that Joe Gibbs can still win.

She's Wet As A Carpool

2006-01-10T10:59:00.000-05:00

I have a perverted love of bad rap. Especially when said rap isn't intended to suck so hard. So I present to all of you the lyrics for perhaps my favorite bad rap song currently (Narrowly defeating D4L's "Laffy Taffy"), Lil' Wayne's "Fireman":

[CHORUS]
I'm the Fireman
Fire, Fa, Fireman
I got that fire I'm hollering
I got that fire come and try me and
You can spark it up and I'ma put you out
You can spark it up and I'ma put you out

Ain't nobody fucking with me man, Heatman
Ski mask, spending next week's cash, he fast
And I don't even need a G-Pass, I'm past that
I'm passing them out now, and you can't have that
And my chain Toucan Sam
Tropical colors you can't match that
Gotta be abstract
You see me girl, legs open, better smash that
Don't be surprised if she ask where the cash at
I see she wearing them jeans that show her butt crack
My girls can't wear them, why? That's where my cash at
I put the mack down, that's where you lack at
She needs her candle lit, and I'ma wax that
I rekindled the flame
She remembered the name
It's Weezy baby, January, December the same
Mama gimme that brain
Mama gimme that good
Cuz I'm the fireman
You hear the firetruck

[CHORUS]

Fresh on campus it's the Birdman Junior
Money too long, teachers put away your rulers
Raw tune not a cartoon
No shirt, tattoos, and some war wounds (Sexy)
I'm hot but the car cool
She's wet as a carpool
Been in the water since a youngin, you just shark food
Quick Draw McGraw, I went to art school
Yeah them lights is bright, but I got a short fuse
Don't snooze
Been handling the game so long my thumbs bruised
Your new girlfriend is old news
You ain't got enough green and she's so blue
Cash Money Records, where dreams come true
Everything is easy baby, leave it up to Weezy baby
Put it in a pot, let it steam, let it brew
Now watch me melt, don't burn yourself

[CHORUS]

Riding by myself, well really, not really
So heavy in the truck make the car pop a wheelie
Who? Weezy, baby, you call me Young Baby
My money 360, you only 180
Half of the game too lazy
Still sleeping on me but, I'm bout to wake em, yup
I'm 'bout to take 'em to New Orleans and bake em
Yeah it hot down here, take a walk with Satan
Come on Mama, let the Carter make ya
Toss ya like a fruit salad, strawberry grape ya
They ball when they can and I'm ballin by nature
Addicted to the game like Jordan and Peyton
Y'all in to racing, me, I'm at the finish line
Been running for to long, it's time to gimme mine
Straight down your chimney in your living room is I
Weezy, allergic to winter time, HOT

[CHORUS]

It's truly a fantastic song. I mean, what the hell does "strawberry grape ya" mean? Do I even want to know? I propose a form of peer review in rap, to keep things like this from being released on an unsuspecting public. And the worst thing is, the song's already charted, and will probably wind up in the Top 40. May God have mercy on us all.

Fun With Hydrostatic Pressure

2006-01-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

I enjoy this picture of a minivan being lifted off its rear wheels by a busted fire hydrant. In our area, for example, the average fire hydrant has a 6" inside diameter barrel, which resolves to roughly 28.27 square inches, and the water pressure is anywhere from 60 psi to as much as 120 psi. That means we could move roughly 1700 to 3100 pounds with a busted hydrant. Not important information, but fun to know, and in this case, see.

She is not doing an ugly job, but as the perfect woman, she is scrotumless

2006-01-07T23:18:00.000-05:00

If anything could bring me back to posting, it would be the return of the Dodge Challenger, quite possibly my favorite of the classic muscle cars. Not that I expect the model to be released with 425 horsepower and a 174 mph top speed, but a boy can dream, can't he?

The Redskins won the single ugliest offensive performance I've seen by a playoff team today, but I don't care, because they get to keep playing despite the whopping 120 yards of offense. It won't fly in Seattle next week, but a win's a win. I'm giddy like a school girl.

My cat is trying to sleep on my lap, but she keeps sliding between my legs, ending up cradled by my lower legs and the couch. She seems to have given up trying to climb back up, and has settled in there. What's funnier is that this is the second time tonight she's slept on me, which might be a record for Waffles.

I'm watching Along Came A Spider right now, and I'm furious about the fact that the subway train they're on right now is clearly not a Metro train. Come on, Metro trains have carpeting and hideous orange and yellow seats. And they certainly don't have blue stripes on the outside of the trains. I demand they refilm the movie with actual Metro trains. I don't know why I'm so angry about this.

My paycheck next week will have yet another raise on it. I cannot stress just how much I enjoy this escalating pay schedule. I just felt the need to share this to make some of you bitter, as is my wont.

The hollidays were too long ago to discuss, so I'll not bore you with the details. I mean, does conquering an island nation and sweeping it clean with fire really interest any of you anyway? Seriously, I doubt I could do justice to the tale of my time travel back to Europe during the dark ages to change to course of history by killing a single, specific gnat (or the tale of my time travel into the future to bring said gnat back to life to quell the robot uprising, for that matter). So instead, gorge yourselves instead on the insanity of Ted Nugent.

Tearing Up My Hooker With A Penis

2005-11-09T08:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I went out to dinner with some people I used to live with, someone I currently live with, and someone currently staying with us. If you were there, you know who you are. If you aren't, it's because we didn't want you there. I don't really have much more to say about it, except that it was a good time. Mentioning it was really just an excuse to make the title of this post appropriate. I'll leave it as an excerise to the reader as to how the title of this post could ever be appropriate.

I actually wanted to voice my relief that Virginia again has a Democrat for Governor... though in Virginia the word "Democrat" essentially means "moderate Republican". Still it's better than having a Republican (or, for those not in Virginia, a "right-wing nutcase"). At the same time, though, we have a Republican Lt. Governor, which should be interesting. And we may have an Attorney General who went to Pat Robertson Christian Broadcasting University, or some place equally stupid and terrifying. Still, it brings me joy that the Republican lost, despite (or perhaps in spite) of President Bush campaigning for him. Also, a Democrat won in New Jersey, not that I care at all about what New Jersey does. Oh, and Texas (State motto: "Don't mess with Texas, or we'll kill another retard.") passed a constitutional amendment banning gay marriage. Shocker, that one.

In other news, have you heard about the cruise ship that was attacked by pirates (I'd link to an article, but that's a pain to do in eLinks)? On the one hand, I'm pleased that the pirate tradition is still alive and well. But on the other hand, I am upset that the pirates, armed with machine guns and rocket launchers, were defeated by a weapon that simply makes a loud noise. Do you think Blackbeard would have flinched away from a loud noise? Never! He would have sent a broadside across the bow of those scurvy dogs! Arrr! My point here is that today's modern pirate-parent coddles their pirate-child too much, making for weak, half-hearted pirates.

Also, if you love Teen Wolf (and how could you not?), you need to read this article on defending against Teen Wolf. My personal solution would be to hijack the van he's surfing on top of and take it into a parking garage with a low clearance.

They Have Coal Mines, But What About Cola Mines?

2005-11-08T10:47:00.000-05:00

The hardest part of my job is being my own superintendant. What I mean is that I do not mind spending time in the field or in the office, but that while I'm doing one, and I thereby neglecting the other. Since I am better on the office end, having had vast amounts more experience in it, I would like someone in the field who knows what is going on, and whom I could serve as facilitator. I have enough to do bidding, managing, and billing my jobs. It is even harder when I have to run them onsite.

But that is not to say that I don't give it the old college try (Sidenote: I never understood that phrase, because the last thing I ever did in college is try.). On the contrary, I dive right in and go to work. The nice thing is that I can learn more by doing it than I can by watching someone else do it. I suppose that makes me better at estimating.

In other, far more interesting news, the Redskins are 5-3, which is a good record to this point. Too bad they'll probably need to go 5-3 in the second half as well to get to the playoffs, and I just don't think they can do it. I hope they do, though, but I shan't be holding my breath.

Action Jackson

2005-11-06T21:47:00.000-05:00

Well, all. It has been, what, two weeks since I last posted? Does anybody particularly care? Yeah, me neither. I wish I had something interesting going on to share with you all, but frankly it's been business as usual. Work is busy but nothing anyone else would care about. Home has been uneventful, especially because Anna has been doing a lot of "working late", which I assume is her new boyfriend's codename. Nothing new.

During my silence, as some of you may know, I celebrated a birthday. Another year older, another year not wiser. The funny thing is I went out of my way not to make a big deal out of my birthday, and then when it came, I was disappointed that it was just another day. Despite my efforts, part of my brain still thinks I should feel something, but I don't. Oh, well. At least it's a year away now.

Finally, have any of you read about McCain's vow to add an anti-torture rider to every important piece of legislature in the Senate until it goes through? I really like McCain sometimes. The man works hard for what he believes. I respect that, even if I don't always agree with his views.

At Least Their Punter Looked Good

2005-10-24T09:56:00.000-04:00

I was fortunate enough to attend the Redskins/49ers game on Sunday. Here are some things I took away from it:

Yes, Santana Moss is that good. Snyder got the best of the Moss/Coles trade, making three good personnel decisions in two years (Moss, Brunell, and Marcus Washington).
The 49ers are, without a doubt, the worst team in football. Sure, the Houston Texans may have no wins, while the 49ers have one, but the 49ers just plain suck. I know their defense is really suffering from injuries, but I'm confident that me and 10 of my closest friends could hang 30 points on them.
Every time Lavar Arrington jogged out onto the field, the crowd went nuts. I think we're all just glad to have this thing between Lavar and the coaches resolved.
The return of Lavar allowed the 'Skins to switch into a 3-4 a good deal, which is probably a good move for them. If you can't get pressure with your front four, and you have the linebackers to do it, a 3-4 can manufacture pressure because you can rush an extra guy from different locations on each play and still drop seven into coverage.
I know Nick Novak has a bizarre kicking mechanic, but he doesn't kick the ball especially low, meaning that the two blocked kicks this season are on the line, not him.
The Redskins cheerleaders are way better looking than they have been in the past. I mean, we're talking top tier quality here. When did this happen, and why wasn't I informed?
It took an hour and a half to get out of the parking lot, and we left before the game was over. That's embarassing for the Redskins organization, isn't it? Much like a certain presidental administration, the 'Skins have no viable exit plan, and evidently no concern for those stuck in the mess.
A beer at the stadium is $7. One guy tried to buy a couple and pay with a $100 bill, but the woman said she couldn't break it. He responded, "At those prices, you don't have to break it." Zing.
Even the PA announcer was embarrassed for the 49ers. At the half he came on to say, "AT HALFTIME, THE SCORE IS REDSKINS 42, THE 49ers seven". Simply fantastic.
While not exactly at the game, on the way home, while stuck in traffic, I got to watch a girl -- around my age -- take a dump on the side of the road. I can finally cross that off my list of things to do before I die.

On that note, I end the list of observations from the game, because, come on, how do you beat some chick taking a dump in public?

In other news, I've been working on a post office parking lot in Bethesda for the past week. The rain's getting in the way, but other than that everything is fine with it. Of course, it's also meant a few 13-14 hour days, which -- not to put too fine a point on it -- suck. Still, it's better than being back at Anchor, which doesn't say much for Anchor, does it?

Bling Bling, Biatch

2005-10-05T10:40:00.000-04:00

Yes, I know; by my own rules, I should be shot for that title. But you know what? I don't really care right now. I just had my 90 day review, and now I'm getting paid a LOT more money. I'd happily tell you what I'm getting, but I'm not goind to do that here. Something about broadcasting my salary on the Internet seems a bad idea to me. I can say that, while it is not enough money to buy a small island nation and declare myself king, it's a start. I guess I could by Rhode Island, but then I'd have to be King of Rhode Island (a fate worse than death).

In other news, I have no other news. So there.

There Is A God

2005-09-23T19:29:00.000-04:00

If you have an enquiring mind, you may have contemplated the question of what, if anything, would be the pinnacle of human creation. I think we can all agree that a Fraggle Rock movie would be near the top of the list.

Work It

2005-09-20T10:52:00.000-04:00

Work has been swallowing much of my life of late. I was lucky I didn't have to work last Saturday -- I expected to -- considering the 13 hour day I pulled the Saturday before. Throw that on top of a 50+ hour week, and it's just too much some times. For example, right now I have four bids due before the end of the week, plus the Hyattsville job I have to keep running (which is where I'll likely spend my Saturday again). And the worst part is, when I got home that Saturday two weeks ago, mentally and physically drained, I was still happier in my job that I would have been back at Anchor. Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment that way.

In other news, the Washington Redskins are now 2-0 after last nights win in Dallas. I gave up on the game in the middle of the 4th quarter with the score still 10-0, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear the final outcome. What really shocks me is that it took Joe Gibbs -- one of the 5 best coaches of all time -- roughly seven and a half quarters of football to figure out that he needed to throw some deep passes. I mean, dump-offs to Robert Royal for 6 yards are swell, but they won't open up the running game. Shouldn't it have been apparent that they needed to go deep when they picked up Santana Moss and David Patten? Why are we sending them on 7 yard hitches every down? And to Gregg Williams: If you aren't getting any pressure on the quarterback when sending six guys, STOP SENDING SIX GUYS! And sending eight instead is also not the answer. Look, if you blitz every third down, the other team knows to run patterns anticipating the blitz. Dallas, though, didn't even have to do that, because the 'Skins got zero pass rush despite the blitz. I know Drew Bledsoe loves nothing more than taking a dump under pressure, but if you can't apply pressure, he can, in fact, beat you. Okay, glad that's out of my system.

George Bush doesn't care about black people.

Anna's getting on my case again about an engagement ring. I tried explaining to her that since we now live together, she's my property. She voiced her disagreement in this matter rather adamently (and by "adamanetly", I mean "violently"). Then I tried the whole "why buy the cow" argument, because aparently I'm a masochist. I was fully aware how that one would go over, and I did it anyway. Why? Because it made me laugh. The lengths I go to for comedy... Then I argued that we're much to young to get engaged. She countered by naming people who were roughly our age and engaged. I pointed out that all these people are stupid (Sorry, Tim and Parker, but you were amongst the people I had to push under the bus on this one. Every man for himself.). Again, she played the violence card. So the discussion resolved in favor of me looking into engagement rings. It may look like I lost the debate, but I think it was more of a compromise (One where she got everything she wanted, and I still have my testicles attached to my body). Seriously, though, the only things that have stopped me thus far from proposing were my cheapness and my desire not to tax my feeble brain with shopping for a ring. If I found a suitable ring in the gutter, for example, we'd be engaged shortly after. So it's not as if I don't want to marry Anna, it's just that I don't want to go shopping for, let alone buy, a ring. If I had, say, a butler, I'd send him to do it. I tried asking Jeeves, but he failed me. Where's Mr. Belvedere when you need him?

Sundry

2005-09-02T10:19:00.000-04:00

I hereby submit that the Police are one of the most underrated bands of all time. Here, off the top of my head, is a list of hits: Every Breath You Take; Don't Stand So Close To Me; De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da; Walking On The Moon; Spirits In The Material World; Roxanne; S.O.S. To The World; Message In A Bottle; King Of Pain; Can't Stand Losing You; Wrapped Around My Finger; Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic; Synchronicity II. I need not say more.

With all the talk of steroids in baseball, and all the accusatory fingers pointed at anyone who's balloned in the past ten years, why has noone mentioned LL Cool J? The guy's build went from scrawny to professional wrestler. Can we call him before Congress? Is he proof that steroids aren't necessarily performance enhancing? I need answers, damn it.

Orcas have learned to use fish as bait to catch sea gulls. I'm telling you, ten years from now, when the Killer Whales have taken over the planet and turned it into a sea-mammalian utopia, we're going to look back on this as the beginning of the end.

Okay, I'll be the one to say it: Sideways sucked. It was slow, boring, and a bit trite. That being said, though, Paul Giamatti is a great actor. I honestly believe that if he were less, well, ugly, he'd be considered one of the top leading men in Hollywood.

Speaking of top leading men, I finally caught Terminal, which was far better than I expected. But more importantly, it was another demonstration of the fact that Tom Hanks has a gift for making you forget he's Tom Hanks, which is one of the most important things an actor can do. We ignore him for Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck, while he quietly keeps knocking roles out of the park.

Oh, and in regards to Terminal, the truth is stranger than fiction.

They made a sequel to The Transporter? From the reviews I've read, it's a piece of garbage. I still have to see it for the fight choreography alone. The first movie's fight scenes were just short of brilliant, and the commercial where he fights with the fire hose makes my heart smile. Plus, I like Jason Statham.

Reunion on Fox will either be very good, or quickly moved to Friday nights, where TV shows go to die. I hope for the former, if only because of the lack of quality television these days. And why much Fox and NBC slot House against The Office? Can't we move one of them to the wasteland that is Wednesday evening?

It's official: I like DeGrassi more than The OC. I blame this on the fact that everyone on The OC talks like Seth now. Even Ryan has thrown out some zingers. Plus they rush through plots like they're trying to cover everything short of an alien conspiracy before the end of Season 3. Forget storylines, The OC has storypoints (See? Geometry can be fun.). On the other hand, DeGrassi uses it's larger cast to it's advantage, allowing different characters to take center stage at different times to avoid overloading. Plus, they just had a story arc (No Geometry jokes this time. I promise.) where Kevin Smith came to DeGrassi to film a Jay & Silent Bob movie in Canada. I think that beats The OC's special guest appearances by Kim Delaney. I could discuss this all day.

I mentioned The Jagged Little Category the other day, but I should have pointed out that Jagged Little Pill also qualifies for another category. Just about every song on the album was a hit, leading me to add it to the "Now & Forever Category", along with Dookie, Thriller, and half of The Beatles' albums. I call the category this in honor of the new greatest hits album from TLC, which is titled "Now & Forever", and which made me respond, upon hearing of it, "They already have a greatest hits album. It's called CrazySexyCool."

We're looking to hire another foreman here at work, and when we do, Joe is thinking he'll give them my pickup and get me a car. So I might be changing vehicles again. But maybe I'll get some input into the situtation. Think I can convince him to get me a new Dodge Charger? Or even better, an old Dodge Charger? Yeah, neither do I.

Speaking of cars, on the way to work today I saw a mid-90's Ford Escort with a purple/green pearlescent paint job. I had to resist the urge to roll down my window and scream at the driver, "It's a freaking Escort!" See, Anna? My rage can be controlled. I just choose not to.

Seriously, though, the rage thing was a joke. I don't want people thinking I beat Anna or anything. She just fell down some stairs. Sorry, I couldn't resist that one. Honestly, though, I don't hit her. I occasionally bite her, but that's strictly because I'm bored.

Finally, as for my "Football As The National Pasttime" theory, Bill Simmons just outlined most of my reasoning. I could go into it in more detail, but I don't really think any of you care.

Oh, and for those of you who think "football" is a game that I still believe should be called "soccer", *cough*Will*cough*, enjoy the antics of Gambia.

Little Bit of Madness

2005-08-31T10:49:00.000-04:00

Right now I'm busy shutting down and pulling off my stuff from a job. I can't go into to much detail about why, but I can say that it was a sudden decision made about 30 minutes ago and my bosses have given me until the end of the day to get all our stuff out of there. Now I have to make sure they don't leave the site in an unsafe way, because we'd still be liable even though we're not doing the work anymore. That means filling all our holes, getting all of our equipment demobilized, and much more. The details aren't interesting unless you're in the business, but suffice it to say that it's a pain in the ass. Now we have to decided what we're doing with the crew and equipment. I've been bidding some work for S & J, but nothing is ready to go yet, so I may have to split them up across the other crews for now. Which wouldn't be so bad, because it would let me focus on my real job for a while, instead of worrying about that crew every minute of every day. It also may be an opportunity to separate the wheat from the chaff with that crew. Sorry I'm being kind of vague, but I can't say too much without saying too much, if that makes sense. Ask me some time in person and maybe I'll tell you on the DL (I've always wanted to use that phrase.). I've probably confused all of you, so we'll move on.

Work has been, as you may have gleaned from the above rambling, quite stressful. I've been wearing far to many hats, with the end result that my office looks like Katrina took a detour through it, and I end up coming home tried and frustrated. As it stands, there's an ending to this madness on the horizon, but to get to it I have to constantly pound on Joe to make a move. Essentially I need more field managment: supervisors, foremen; that sort of thing. Of course, with this job coming to an end, it may buy me some time to find these people.

Maybe I haven't explained this particularly well, so here's how my job works: The owner of the company is Joe. Joe, as did I, once worked at Anchor. He knows utility work. The general manager, Lou, has his background in general contracting. Brian, the other project manager, is primarily a GC guy as well. And I, the project manager / estimator, have a background in utilities. This means that Lou and Brian handle most of the GC work, and Joe and I handle the utility stuff. The problem with Joe is that he lets things go to long before reacting. He has allowed problems to fester and become more severe. He does recognize this flaw, though, and has given me the authority to start rectifying these problems. I'm fine doing that, but I still have the estimating and project management stuff to do, too. But, in short, I've gone from being the Corporate Bitch and low man on the totem pole at Anchor to Project Manager and full-fledged member of the brain trust at S & J. The difference is startling, and, at times, overwhelming. I hope that helps.

There have been days on the job where I've shook my head and said, "I must have been an awful man in my past life," that being the only way to have earned this much bad fortune. But then I realized that for everything that goes wrong at work, Life has balanced it by giving me Anna. I say this for a few reasons: one, if you're in such a relationship, you know exactly what I mean; two, if you haven't, you're vomiting right now; and three, it never hurts to tell your significant other such things. So there.

In other news, I highly recommend Beck's new album. And though I've only heard it through once, Kanye West's new album sounds pretty good, too. Oh, and I liked Spoon's album, Gimme Fiction, but it falls into a heretofore unnamed category of albums that I shall dub, "The Jagged Little Category". I say this because, like Jagged Little Pill, Spoon's album had a first single that was good, but completely unlike the rest of the album, meaning people who buy the album for songs like that first single will be disappointed. Note that nominees for this category need not be bad albums, but they need to be different than that first song presented to the public. I'm sure all of you could name an album or two which fits this category.

That's all for now, unless you want me to wade into such important topics as "Who's Better, The Gin Blossoms or The Cranberries", "How Ludacris's Pandering Is Driving Me Crazy", "Little Niggling Details About Prison Break", or "Why the NFL Is Now America's National Pasttime". In which case, let me know, because I'm fairly sure I could deliver at least 1000 words of vaguely coherent ramblings on any of these issues. In fact, I could probably log 5000 on any of them, which is just sad.

Can I Borrow A Feeling?

2005-08-29T13:16:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I don't understand the title either.

Work has been a bit challenging lately. I was given the Hyattsville water main replacement job to run. See, I bid the job when I was at Anchor, and S & J is subbing the job. So they figured that -- Whups, my idiot crew just hit a gas line. I'll have to finish this later.

Come One, Come... Uhhh, A Few?

2005-08-04T20:52:00.000-04:00

Open invitation to anyone we (Anna and I) know who would like to see our apartment: tomorrow is the time, our apartment is the place. I'm thinking of my ex-roommates and their hangers-on, mainly, but that doesn't mean others aren't welcome. Of course, internet stalkers are not invited, but we've got some nice trees nearby you guys can hide behind and from which you can peer into our windows.

I don't really know (or care) what we do. We could all go out to dinner down here if you can get here earlier, or, if not, perhaps something later such as deserts and, in some cases, drinks, and in some cases, drinks with alcohol. If you want to come, I'd recommend getting in contact with Anna, seeing as she's the one who's done with work by 1 pm. I'm making it her job to sort out the schedule. If you can't reach her and you have my NEW cell number (not the one I'd had for years), you can call me at any point and I'll answer, unless I'm already on the line. If I don't answer, just leave a voicemail, and I'll call you back, or pass on your info to Anna.

I know this is really vague, but I'm doing what's typically referred to, in technical parlance, as "half-assing it". I'd like to get something together, if possible. If it's too short notice, a bad night, or you have some other excuse, we can always try again later.

Oh, and if you have an aversion to cats, you may want to consider drugging yourself beforehand. And I don't mean mainlining uncut heroin, *cough*Ducore*cough*...

q

2005-08-01T12:59:00.000-04:00

Troubling Portents

2005-07-20T21:17:00.000-04:00

Here's a picture of Bush's proposed Supreme Court U.S. appointee and family, complete with little kid breaking it down. I find the clothing choices in his family troubling, seeing as they were last in style... oh, 1959 or so? Plus, they're so Aryan, all the dancing boy needs is a Hitler Youth armband. We need to stop him from reaching the high court, if only because he dresses his kids like tools.

Loss

2005-07-13T08:30:00.000-04:00

My aunt Freda was killed in a car accident on Sunday. I don't know the details, but I won't even bother to discuss those I do. A number of newspapers around the area have covered it; go read them. Personally, I don't think it matters what happened. Either way, I'll never see her again. I always thought she'd outlive us all. Though she had just turned 50 (a fact she would hate me sharing), she appeared no older than 35 (a fact she would encourage me to shout from the rooftops). Her sudden death is hard to handle: there's just no sense to it. I believe there is no sense to anything in the world, but at times like this one cannot help trying to grasp why. I suppose that explains why religion continues to flourish. My family is taking this, as should be expected, pretty badly. My mother was very close to Freda. Add in my uncle Mike, Bart, and my grandmother, and you have a number of people in shambles. I'm handling it well, in part because my mother needs me to. In speaking to my mother last night she said that while Bart and Mike were trying to continue living because that's what Freda would have wanted, it was hitting my grandmother pretty hard. She's 82 years old and she's seen her husband and two of her children (and one son-in-law) buried. I don't know how much more she can take. Finally, I ask that if you choose to post on this topic, you not do so simply to offer your condolences. To be honest, I've heard far too many of them already. I'm sure you mean them, but be content that I know how you feel. That's all I have right now. I'll poist something mildly entertaining perhaps as early as this eveving (depending on your definition of "mildly entertaining").

Road Song

2005-07-07T15:26:00.000-04:00

<p>I'm on my way home from lovely (read: God forsaken) Milton, West Virginia, which, for those of you who don't know, is like the cultural bridge between megatropolises Charlston and Huntington. We had to review the punch list for a Subway (restaurant) we did. This necessitated a six hour (each way) trip through what can best be described as "Deliverance-esque" surroundings; Seriously, there is nothing out here. Throw on top the fact that I had to drive an hour to Damascus to meet up with Lou and Brian, and it all adds up to a day which started before 4 AM and may never end. The only good thing is that I am not driving. That's all for now -- oh! And if you have to choose between eating a steak at a Ponderosa or squealing like a pig for a couple of inbred West Virginian yokels, squeal like you've never squealed before. Of course, suicide might be a better choice still.</p>

Stop Me If You've Heard This One

2005-07-05T08:37:00.000-04:00

Not to brag, but I had the single most exciting weekend ever had by man. Also, I flew to the moon and learned to speak to trees. Actually, things started well enough, as Friday I was given a vehicle at work, which means I can get rid of the Malibu. I like the Malibu, but this will free up somewhere in the neighborhood of $350 a month, which, as Anna will tell you, would be better spent on her. It's a weird situation to go from a company which isolates you and gives you nothing you need to do your job -- it took me more than a month to get a $7 calculator -- to a place which hands you anything it takes to get your job done. So now I am one of the elite class who care not about the price of gas, or even their vehicle's gas consumption. If I were so inclined, I could go do doughnuts in the parking lot for an hour or two, buy new tires, and go back to it. In fact, I am so inclined, but apparently nearly six years with Anna has caused a conscience to blossom somewhere in the deepest recesses of my mind. Thanks, dear.

Anyway, Friday evening saw Anna and I go out to dinner and to (finally) see Batman Begins. My review? I have devised a two-person drinking game based on the movie. One player drinks whenever the word "fear" is used, the other when someone mentions Bruce's father. I expect you'll have passed out before Batman saves the day. Whoops, did I ruin it for those of you who haven't seen it yet? Over all, despite the less-than-stellar dialogue, I felt it did a lot of things right. Christian Bale was good, even managing to change his voice some as Batman, something that bothered me about other Batmen. The surrounding cast was, on the whole, solid (though the guy who played the police commissioner bothered me because he appeared to be a black version of Shrek). I liked the tone of this movie compared to the campy shlock that Joel Schumaker dumped on us. In all, I think it was a good starting point, but certainly left some room to improve.

On Saturday, Anna and I drove down to OC -- no, not the exciting one, the red-necky one. We got there at about 4, going directly to a party at my uncle's which had been in full swing for two hours. Not that either of us minded, seeing as everyone was eating crabs, which neither Anna nor I eat. Still it's good to see my family, even if their all busy beating the crap out of dead shellfish, and I can't get too near them because they're all permiated with a fine layer of Old Bay and crab guts. Also, it's good to see a whole bunch of people who aren't related to me whom I don't know, but who were there. I mean, if Independence Day isn't about spending time with people you don't know doing things you don't enjoy, what is it about? Anna managed to be mauled by bugs, and to a lesser extent, so did I, likely because we were not protected by Old Bay. I played some football, fell into a bush, played (a term I use loosely here) horseshoes, had a baby drool all over my keys, and made fun of my cousin because his house was hit by lightning and burned down. Business as usual.

On Sunday, Anna wanted to go to the beach. Now, when I was little, I would live on the beach any time we were in Ocean City. But as I've grown older, I've begun to regard the beach as over-crowded, hot, messy, and boring. So I told Anna to go ahead to the beach without me. Anyone who knows Anna can predict her response to that: displeasure. Ultimately, though, she went, but not before making me put suntan lotion on her back (which did not get burned, unlike her front, which she took care of). After a while I came down to the beach and moped around for a bit until one of my brothers suggested we go to Hooters. So my brothers, Anna, and myself went over to the Hooters, had some wings (Anna excluded), and enjoyed the sights (Ben excluded, because when you date a girl as wonderful as Anna, you don't need to look at other women). Then we played some mini-golf with the unexpected tie for first between Drew and Anna, killed some time, and went home. Later, we played Monopoly with the rule where Free Parking has $500 plus all the fines in it, and, not to exaggerate, but by the end Anna actually just stopped rolling and left her piece on Free Parking; it was just easier that way. We played a second game without Anna (I think she tired of the "Oh, Anna's landed on Free Parking again. What a shock!" comments), where nobody could create a monopoly and everybody just kept wandering around the board until each of us had about four thousand dollars (or roughly half of what Anna had in the first game). Eventually we made some deals and I won because of Nick's inability to avoid landing on my orange properties. Not the sort of game I enjoy, to be honest. I like lots of players because it encourages more wheeling and dealing.

On Monday, we got up and drove home. Nothing exciting happened, except that I nearly melted because we had turned off our apartment's AC before we left. Even though we left the beach around 1, by the time we picked up the cat at Anna's parents and everything, we didn't get home until nearly six. I spent the evening doing as little moving as possible, because it was still about 80 degrees (Fahrenheit, fortunately) when I went to bed.

Now I'm back at work, having had too little time off on a three day weekend. Driving to and fro really eats a large portion of the time. And because I've made the beach trip so many times, I don't even enjoy it any more. It's highly likely that Anna and I will get another kitten in the near future, because I told her she could when I was in a good mood. She's supposed to be researching where it would be easiest to get said kitten, and for some reason, I have no doubt that she'll take care of it. Ask her to drop off rent at some point during her empty day, however, and you'll be lucky if she even writes the check. She's looking for a young (6 weeks or so), fluffy, male (in the hopes that it'll like her more, because Waffles likes me).

In other news, Nick has a learner's permit, so stay off the roads. Both of my brothers went to get them, but while Nick flipped through the law guide on the way to the MVA, Drew never looked at it, and he failed. Right now they are learning in a large van with blind spots, a tendency to sway, and an awful turning radius. All they need now is a large container of nitroglyceride in the back and we'd have the makings of a new Fox reality show.

Sure, Why Not?

2005-06-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

First Impressions

2005-06-28T14:30:00.000-04:00

I've my work cut out for me. I don't know this stuff, so I'm learning a new job, a new company, and a new trade all at once. It's a bit overwhelming, but fortunately this company is fairly laid back, which means I can walk sit back in my chair and close my eyes without fear of someone spotting me and running to the boss to complain, an event which actually played itself out at Anchor. In many ways this is exactly the sort of job I want, no restraints, no coddling, no hand-holding. If I do what needs to be done, everything's super. By the end of day 1, I already had a Blackberry and a key to the offices. It took me four and a half years to get a key at Anchor, and I never got the phone (even though I was supposed to have one a year ago). They're minor gestures that may seem unimportant, but they mean a lot to me. There're no attempts to distance me from anything. All in all, they treat me like an important employee.

So in terms of work environment, it's an improvement. But as far as the work goes, I'm both prepared and unprepared. Project Management is, I've discovered, my life's calling. But I know nearly nothing about GC work. Granted, I know how a building is built in fair detail, but it's like learning another language. The plans will, no doubt, be unclear to me from some time, whereas I can read utility plans like a book. So the estimating part is going to be slow going. The worst part is knowing that I'll make mistakes before I get this down; I'm afraid I'll make severe ones. The last thing I need to start doing is second-guessing myself.

Other aspects are interesting, as this job will likely necessitate much travel. I just talked to Brian, and he's calling dibs on the trip to Vegas. But other than that, he's more than willing to make the rest of the travel mine. I told him that in that case I'm calling dibs on the trip to Beverly Hills. It looks likely that I'll be in charge of not the Walmart jobs as I had thought, but the PostNet stores. Should be interesting.

That's all for now. I'm sure what I just wrote is rambling and incoherent, but would you expect anything else of me? I'll post on subjects of more importance (read: monkeys doing it) at some other time. But as a parting shot, enjoy this.

So Long And Thanks For All The Fish

2005-06-26T22:21:00.000-04:00

I'm done at Anchor. Well, not really, because they'll likely need me to come back a few days here and there to help get things sorted. Apparently my skull contains knowledge nobody else's does, and they deem that knowledge necessary for the company's continued success. Go figure; could've fooled me. Anyway, it's not that exciting as I would have figured. I just kinda left, like any other day. Nobody made a big deal of it, which I prefered, to be honest. So I simply slipped out when I got my eight hours.

In other news, I was having pain when breathing last weekend. I got it looked out on Monday, and it turned out to be some swelling in the chest lining, which only necessitated some ibuprofen and rest. They gave me a prescription for horse-tranquilizer-sized ibuprofen pills and told me to take it easy, which I did by taking a day off work. The thing that bugs me is that I've no idea what caused the swelling in the first place. The most likely theory involves Anna hitting me in my sleep, possibly for wrongs I've commited in her dreams. I'm serious here, people; this is highly likely. Regardless of what caused it, the pain's gone now, which is good, because breathing is of some importance to me.

Right now, on the eve of my new job, I'm watching a Degrassi marathon with Anna. What better way to prepare for employment than to enjoy people mispronouncing "sorry" and paying for things with money that appears Monopoly-esque? Those things never fail to crack me up. But now I've watched enough episodes that it's gone from being a joke to where watching it is becoming the most important thing I could ever do with my life. Will Spinner ever grow up? Why is Emma with that guy whose name I don't know? These are questions I need to answer, or I'll just shrivel up and die!

Shirley You Jest

2005-06-18T09:39:00.000-04:00

I've been sitting on this for a while, mainly because I haven't really posted much this month. But even if you don't like basketball, I highly recommend you check out the blog of Paul Shirley, because it is pure brilliance, wrapped in a flavorful hillarity. And then, when you find yourself weeping uncontrolably because you've read all his entries and you're still not satisfied, find solice by devouring the writings of his playoff blog.

In other news, I have one more week at my current job, but I don't really have any sense of short-timer's syndrome. I guess there's just too much to do. Plus the fact that I'm leaving doesn't really seem to matter a whole lot in my day-to-day work. In fact, I don't think I'm ever going to have a chance to clean out my office and put everything in a state where it makes sense to anyone looking for anything, meaning that it'll just sit there, empty and untouched, as a momument to my tireless efforts on behalf of the company. Or maybe they'll just chuck everything in the trash.

The End Is Nigh

2005-06-09T17:09:00.000-04:00

I've given my two weeks notice. I think I'll probably see out the week of the 24th and start fresh come the 27th. I haven't discussed that part with my father yet, because he appears to have been too upset to formulate the answers to those questions. I guess I'll deal with that when I hand in a letter of resignation tomorrow. The only other thing I have to figure out is what happens with my leave. If they don't pay me for it, I'm going to take a nice, long vacation these next two weeks. One way or another, I'm getting paid, damnit. I won't have Trudy screwing me over on this, though she'll likely try.

Anyway, that's that, and I'm glad it's over. It's the sort of thing I didn't want to have to wait until tomorrow to do, but almost did because I wanted to get this latest JOC bid out of here first. I just figured it out, and between Ryan and I, we put about four weeks into it. Good times. But it's gone now, and we'll likely never do the job anyway, so who cares?

And finally, new research finds that men who watch porn with a guy in it produce better sperm than those who watch all-girl stuff. I have absolutely no idea what to do with this information. It just sits there, in the middle of my head, blocking regular synapses. It repeats itself in my skull like my heart beating in my chest, "watching men = better sperm, watching men = better sperm, watching...". It lurks just below the surface, seeking a chance to leap out. I'll be on the phone with my mother tonight and blurt it out in answer to a question about how my week is going. In short, this information has consumed me.

Two Posts In One Day? You Lucky Bastards

2005-06-08T15:43:00.000-04:00

Update: Both Joe and I have spoken to Florentino, and he's completely okay with me going to S&J. So now it just comes down to the fact that I'm going, and I have to fight with my father about it. That means I'm going to be putting in a call to mommy and reminding her who her favorite child is. I'll use all the tricks in my arsenal -- calling her "mommy" for example -- to get her on my side. But ultimately, I've got to accept the fact that it's not what my father wants, but what I want. And while that's easy on paper, it's hard to do when he's looking over his glasses at me. Anyone who has never argued with my father doesn't realize that you don't win arguments with him, you just keep arguing until he gets tired of it and gives up. It's an exhausting process, physically, emotionally, and mentally. But it must be done. Hopefully I'll have a resignation on his desk tomorrow.

Back From The Dead

2005-06-08T10:24:00.002-04:00

As some of you may have heard, about a month ago I finally got a call from ManTech. Apparently they had some paperwork that was for my eyes only, which I took at the time as a good sign. And what better way to kill one's spirits than to get one's hopes up and have them dashed in spectacular fashion? So, naturally, the papers were a letter informing me that I had been turned down for a security clearance because the Agency says I claimed that I have intentionally viewed "underage individuals ingaged in sexual acts" repeatedly. Simply enough, it's not true. I didn't say it, and I haven't done it. What I told them was that I have viewed videos that may have been underage, as I have no way of knowing, and some of the girls appeared pretty young. They came (the videos, not the girls) from KaZaA, so I can't be sure. But I explained that I didn't seek out underage videos, nor did I keep such videos. That's not really my bag, quite frankly. So I suppose it's a misunderstanding somewhere, which should be easy enough to overturn on appeal, but it basically stalls my clearance for another six months to a year. So I was felt frustrated because if I can't get a clearance, nobody but perhaps Mother Theresa should. And by the way, I haven't told my parents the true reason why my clearance was rejected, because I didn't want to add a discussion about my pornography viewing habits to my day after finding out about the rejection. So this cannot find it's way back to them, because a discussion with them about both my porn viewing habits and my decision to lie to them is even less appealing a conversation. I don't feel any need to lie to any of you, though, because, quite frankly, I've done nothing wrong.

Anyway, that put a hell of a damper on my plans, because I thought I was close to being out of here. Instead, I found myself updating my resume and searching for a new job instead. I was (and am) sick of putting my life on hold for this fucking job. It's been a year now, and I have a life to live. So I decided to find something else, at least until my clearance rejection (hopefully) gets overturned and ManTech calls me back.

It was, in the midst of this job hunt, that I mentioned said hunt to Joe, the owner of S&J, and brother of my company's owner. Joe took this information back with him to S&J and he and the General Manager, Lou, decided that they wanted to hire me. This was about a week and a half ago now. Last week they told me that they were serious about this, and we set up a meeting yesterday to discuss it. In short, they were offering me a free reign as a project manager with their company, which is small now, but should grow a good deal, with me in the middle of it. This is the sort of opportunity I wanted, because I'm at my best when you don't constrict me, and just trust me to get it done. So after speaking with them, I was quite jazzed about the chance -- and who the fuck says "jazzed", anyway?

So what happened? My boss, father, and occasional nemesis happened. In the time I had to wait around to get a chance to talk to him, I considered every possible way the conversation could go. I had my counterpoints readied and felt confident I could convince him that it was a good thing. My past history with my father should have taught me better. Apparently, I wasn't prepared for his simple response, "No." Seriously, how do you argue with that? "Yes," isn't going to cut it. He then added, "Fuck Joe. I didn't invest all this time in you to let you go to S&J." From there, things went, amazingly enough, further down hill. The outcome is like this: I can't go to S&J, but I can't stay at Anchor. He wants me to wait out the security clearance and go to ManTech. He believes I'm just settling. I tried to explain that I enjoy project management, and that's what S&J is offering. I tried to tell him that if I took this job, I'd be given the freedom to do what I want and the chance to manage right away. I tried to make it clear that if I go to ManTech, I'm not going to be making $120k a year in five years, because I'd have to work my way back up from the bottom again. I did a lot of trying. Want to guess at how much succeeding I did?

I have a few things left to try, going to Florentino directly, or even trying to get my mother to put pressure on my father, but I don't think any of them will work. Which leaves me with this: Stay here treading water for another year to take a job which likely puts me further from my goal job. I suppose I could leave and go somewhere else where he can't exert his influence on the owner. But that's likely not going to be as good an opportunity. What do you do when opportunity knocks, but someone stands between you and the door? And what happens when that person also happens to be your father?

Anyway, that's that nonsense, and I'll let you know how it turns out, if it turns out. Other than that, I've been doing very little of any interest. Anna bought a car, but that's her tale to tell, not mine. All I'll say is that if you're looking for a car, Toyota of Alexandria was the best dealer I've ever experienced. I highly recommend them.

Most of the rest of my time has been filled by not thinking about stuff, by which I mean playing video games. I've got a Game Pass at Blockbuster, which means I can rent as many games as I want for a flat fee, but that I can only have one at a time. It's the ideal offer for someone like me. Anyway, here's a list of the games I've played of late:

NFL Street 2 - This game is boring as hell. The minigames are far more fun than the actual game. The biggest problem is that the controls are slow to respond when pulling moves on offense. Also, the soundtrack is the sort of awful crap only EA puts together.
NBA Street V3 - Even better than the second one, which is saying a lot. Again, thanks to EA, the music sucked, which is really disappointing because the second one had a strong sound track. Actually, the sound in general was pretty weak. The announcer couldn't have been more annoying if it had been Gilbert Godfried.
NBA 2K5 - Incredibly boring. I found the controls to be weak, and the animations unimpressive. Probably the worst basketball game I played this year. Stick with College Hoops 2K5 or NBA Street V3.
MLB 2K5 - Great presentation with a real baseball broadcast feel to it, but the batting is too easy and the pitching is just not as good as MVP.
MVP Baseball 2005 - Best baseball game on the market. Good graphics, sound, gameplay. I'm not in love with the baseruning system, but it's not worse than MLB 2K5, so it's hard to complain too much. The announcers suck, and again the EA Trax annoy the hell out of me, but that's why the mute button was invented. If you want a deep franchise mode, this is the game.
Mechassault 2 - Too damn easy. And here's a message for the developers: Guys, it's a mech game. If I wanted to fly a plane or drive a tank, I'd play those games. Avoiding detection in a little suit sucks. I want to drive a mech and knock down buildings. Thank you.
Forza Motorsport - Best racing game I've ever played, and I'm including the immortal Death Race when I say that. It's a lot like Gran Tourismo, but more friendly to play. Also, GT's license system is sucks. Forza keeps you from playing the best races in a far more effective way: you have to earn enough money from racing to reach new levels. This makes sense because it opens up more of the game as you finish previous parts. The soundtrack is generic rock, but you can use a custom soundtrack, so who cares?
Splinter Cell 3 - I hate the Splinter Cell franchise. But this one is actually fairly entertaining. Still, I think it's overrated.
Psychonauts - Funny, inventive platformer. The levels differ from one another enough to make it worth playing them all. Lungfishopolis, for example, is the most fun I've had with a video game since Vice City came out. Simply genius. Still, it suffers from a few minor problems, like the camera swinging behind a wall, occasional poor lighting, and not being forgiving enough at times with platform jumping, but I recommend it to anyone and everyone.
Baldur's Gate 2 - It looks and feels dated. It's sometimes nearly impossible to find things because everything looks alike and anything important is too small to see properly.
Jade Empire - I'm sorry, but I was under the impression from the hype over this game that it was made by Jesus from the very essence of euphoria, which, simply by touching it, would send bolts of joy through one's brain, rendering them a mindless blob of happy thoughts. I assure you, it's no such thing. BioWare have indeed made a good game, but it suffers from some of the same problems as Fable, namely that there isn't as much to do as it seems. This game is a little too linear, the combat system is too simplistic, and the "new" concepts on what it is to be a hero are the darkside/lightside from Star Wars, i.e. trite and cliched. The dialogue is well done, the world is beautiful -- but ultimately too small, because there feels like there should be vast lands to explore. All in all, it feels like it's setting up for a brilliant sequel on the Xbox 360 (a stupid name, by the way), but then it'll have to compete with Elder Scrolls Oblivion, which, if it's as promised, will be forged by Buddha from the fires of Mt. Kickass.
Winning Eleven 8 - Best soccer game ever. Blows FIFA away. If only they had a FIFA license, though, and maybe the Premiereship, too. But still, those teams are in the game, but, ManU, for example, is called Man Red. For another example, Arsenal is called Pig Fuckers. No, not really... but they should be. Anyway, what makes it so great? How about the fact that there are four different types of lob shots that can be executed to put the ball over the keeper? The instruction booklet has so many possible moves it may be easier to build an atomic bomb than learn them all. Not that you need them all, though, because the basics are easy enough to do. But if you really wanted to execute a crossing diagonal through lob, have the attacker pass it through, let the far side wing pick it up, sprint downfield with it, pull a spin move and drop shot it on goal, you could. But you may have to study for a week or two first.

Okay, that's all I can remember off the top of my head. But you get the idea: I've been playing lots of video games.

Finally, seeing as I'm probably not going to be changing jobs any time soon, it seems I'll be able to take a vacation this summer. I'd like to take a week off and go somewhere, but I'm not sure where. There's always Ocean City, but that place has all but stopped bringing me joy. It's too crowded and too expensive nowadays. Or maybe I just feel that way because it isn't the Ocean City I grew up with. Still, I'd like to something different. Ideas?

Too Little, Too Late

2005-05-05T07:19:00.000-04:00

I just don't know how this will work. And even if it does, we're ten to twelve years too late. How many kids can you hit over the head in ninety minutes? We're about to find out.

Must-Have Sports Fashions

2005-04-26T22:36:00.000-04:00

I can honestly say that if I had some extra cash sitting around, this jersey would be mine. Leave it to minor league sports teams to come up with a mascot as stupid as the Trashers. It's pure genius. I could pair that jersey with this hat because nothing says badass like a pink hat with a wolf-pirate on it. Who among us would fuck with a wolf-pirate?

That hat is for a minor league baseball team; minor league baseball teams being the gold standard for bad mascots. Wouldn't you want to show everyone your love of the Montgomery Biscuits? Or maybe you're a Lansing Lugnut fan. My personal favorite is the Albuquerque Isotopes, simple because that's what the Springfield Isotopes were going to become on The Simpsons. That was the episode, of course, where Homer was dancing away his hunger pains. Good times.

Of course, minor league football is not exempt, as the South Ogden Rhino-Raiders demonstrate. The Rhino-Raiders? Did they vote on the team name and have a tie between Rhinos and Raiders, so they just stuck them together? Can we get Woodward and Burnstein to investigate here? The people need to know; this needs to be blown wide open.

In the interest of completeness, I suppose I should show you the NBDL's Roanoke Dazzle and the MISL's Philadelphia Kixx, with two x's, so you know it's totally extreme to the max(x).

"Okay, Ben. You've shown us the best you've got. Admit it and shut up." Not so, imaginary jerk. For the kicker, we must go back to minor league hockey, and meet the Greenville Grrrowl. You read that right, three r's in "grrrowl". I don't even know what to do with this information, but I'm quite certain it implies that the end is nigh. Repent, my friends. Repent.

The Ties That Bind

2005-04-25T13:39:00.000-04:00

Last night I got to wondering what would have happened between Anna and I had we never gone to the same bus stop in high school. We're both of the opinion that we wouldn't be together now. In fact, Anna that this was so evident that when I asked her, she skipped over that fact completely and went to where she'd be now. I find it just a touch disturbing that something as big as our relationship was dependant on something as insignificant as Anna switching bus stops. It all seems a little tenuous. It's like life is held up with a bunch of tiny threads; snip one and it all comes crashing down.

That's me being deep, by the way.

HTTP, It's Easy As 1-2-3-4

2005-04-05T22:06:00.000-04:00

For those of you who know the difference between HTTP and your asshole, I have posted an actual, honest-to-God post on Codemill -- yes, Codemill! For those of you who don't, here are some dancing monkeys.

I Hope My Pink Grapefruits Aren't Offensive

2005-04-05T15:50:00.000-04:00

Okay, I don't get it. Arkansas's football team had a rule that anybody slacking off had to wear a pink jersey in practice. Makes sense, seeing as how football players bleed machismo. But they have decided to stop out of respect for breast cancer survivors. I get that pink is the color for breast cancer awareness. I just don't understand why they'd find it offensive when the color is used in some other context. I mean, it's not like they invented pink. It's not as if the Arkansas players are forced to wear jerseys saying "I have breast cancer". Do most people even make the connection between the players in pink jerseys and breast cancer, let alone perceive it as an insult?

I understand that I've never had breast cancer, and so I don't know what it's like to have breast cancer. But I don't see the problem here. If anything, gay pride groups should be upset because it's fear of being a "pansy" that makes the jerseys work. Not to mention that gay and lesbian groups also use pink as a representative color. So, in conclusion, I've lost my thread, so before this post unravels, I'll stop.

Back Home

2005-04-05T14:27:00.000-04:00

I spent the last week housesitting for my parents while they went on a cruise with my younger brothers: guess who got the shit end of that deal! But it allowed me to discover that my parent's house is simply incapable of having food. I've never seen a freezer more packed wit nothing remotely edible. I suppose it might have been edible in the 1940's when it was manufactured as a byproduct of the Manhattan Project. But the last sixty years have not been kind to this one-time food. I'd seen freezer burn before, but never freezer incineration. What frightens me most, though, is the fact that this particular freezer isn't more than five years old, which means my mother intentionally put fifty-five year-old nuclear waste in there.

The other thing that astonishes me about the fridge/freezer combos in my parents' house is that they manage to keep food in this odd state between fresh and rancid, whereby everything tastes like it'll go bad tomorrow. This included the lunch meat and cheese I bought, and was subsequently afraid to eat as little as two days later, because it was about to go bad. But it never did go bad, because, like balancing on the head of a pin, the food tottered in a state of just-edibility. I suppose the house -- or at least, the refridgerators -- are like quantum funhouses, devising new states for otherwise-edible matter.

Speaking of the quantum funhouse, I think my dog is growing younger. He was as energetic and sprightly as I've seen him since I was in high school. Perhaps the physical impossiblities don't stop at the fridge, or the nuklear waste has healing powers; I can't be sure.

In other news, Anna and I saw Sin City on Sunday. When Anna asked me what my favorite part was, my answer was, "Not having to pay." Don't get me wrong, the movie was an unbelievable recreation of the comic books -- excuse me, graphic novels -- the likes of which we may never see again, but it was free! How? Anna and I went to the earliest showing on Sunday morning, and come to find out the manager forgot about Daylight Savings Time and wasn't there, thereby proving that movie theater manager is an easy gig to come by. So they decided to let us in and let us watch the movies for free because they had no way to take our money, and they felt bad because they had a stupid manager. So I got to save $15, most of which went toward eight containers of macaroons on sale at Safeway yesterday (99 cents each!). So, if you're worried that Sin City will suck, don't be. It's just as morally depraved and beautifully stylistic as the comic book, and it's got moving pictures, to boot!

That's all I've got for right now. I'm at working, and since my father/boss is back, I finally have some work to do. I'd forgotten how hard it is to look busy when you really aren't. To be honest, I prefer working. Wow, I can't believe I wrote that.

...And For The Trifecta

2005-04-01T13:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, Tim suggests the Pope as the third member of the Hedberg-Cochran Death Triangle. Someone else said Terri Shiavo, but I forget who. But I say it's Frank Perdue, who died yesterday. And since it's my blog, I'm right. The theme? I don't know. Just the idea of those three grouped together for any reason makes me giggle. Isn't that enough?

Say It Ain't So

2005-03-31T15:45:00.000-05:00

Mitch Hedberg is dead. Initial findings are a heat attack... at 37. This is exactly why I don't believe in God. A good God would have taken someone sucky, like Andrew Dice Clay, instead. And an evil God would have made us all live in a house with no doors, full of wooden chairs, and had someone with no mechanical skill light a fire in the fireplace, setting everything on fire and killing us all. At least, that's what I do when I play The Sims. Some people believe that famous deaths come in threes, with some underlying theme. Considering the death of Johnny Cochran earlier this week, I not only can't predict who the third one will be, but I cannot even fathom a connection between just these two. Maybe because I could never take either one seriously?

Some people would claim that my humor is not appreciated in a post about death. But those people are the ones that end up with bleeding ulcers and hide in their houses, lest they be killed by those killer bees they heard about, so who cares what they say? Ever notice most jokes are about either sex or death? There's a reason for this. It's either laugh or cry. Keeping that in mind, I don't think there's anything funnier than death, except maybe O-faces.

So, in memory of Mitch Hedberg, I say I'm for it!

No Jokes Needed

2005-03-31T14:34:00.000-05:00

Seriously, how can I add anything to this story? The only thing I regret is in three months when this link doesn't work any longer.

Dear Princess Diaray, Today I Became A Whore...

2005-03-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

Anne Hathaway, who you may or may not know from her starring roles in Princess Diaries and Princess Diaries 2 is going to be appearing in a likely-NC-17 film called Havoc. Follow the link and read the comments. It's fantastic. Seriously, I don't even need a joke here.

In other film news, I don't know which film is going build me up and disappoint me more, Sin City or Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, but damnit, I want to see both in spite of the eventual letdown! I guess it's some latent masochism in my personality...

State Of The Idiot Address

2005-03-21T21:27:00.000-05:00

It's been some time since I sorted out what's what in my life, and things have changed since last time. So let's get right down to it with the opening statements:
*Ahem* Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. First, I am proud to say the state of the Idiot is strong. Though the Idiot has experienced much change in the last 12 months, not much --
Aw, screw it. This political babble sucks. Let's just do this in the format of, I don't know, a bulleted list?

Mental State - Just peachy, thank you. Stress is low, progress is high. That's not a bad pair, whatsoever. The only thing I need to do is get more stuff done, but I'm not bothered by it.
Housing - I've got a year lease, and I love the location. I wish the rent were lower, but for what we have, it's a good price. So this isn't an issue until next January, when the lease is up. I think at that point we'd like to buy something, but that's still some time away.
Job - Two words: holding pattern. Yup, still waiting for the security clearance. Hopefully, it'll be a couple months or less, but only time will tell. In the meantime, I've got a job that bugs me in some ways, but is a good job all things considered. How good? Ryan wants to try and get it so that him and I run some jobs together, and I think I might stay if that were offered. When it comes down to it, project management, be it in software or utilities, is simply managing time and money. Sure, I'd rather do software, but if I did a couple years at Anchor first, it'd be a good experience. My only reget is that my programming skills are getting rusty.
Money - I could always use more money, but I'm not struggling. I still need to slowly whittle away at Anna's expensive tastes -- she doesn't consider Ramen a valid meal. i also need to buy my car from my father, which is complicated by the fact that my father never wants to talk about it. I've got that planned, though. I'm going to jump him when he's in a good mood after his vacation next week.
Love - What's there to say? Anna's answer would be, "Plenty!". My answer is simply, after four and a half years, I'm even happier now than I was then. Moving in with Anna wasn't hard because we go so well together -- other than her inability to close cabinet doors. In short, it's super. Jealous?
Miscellaneous - Waffles is as good a cat as I've ever seen. The equipment in our complex's fitness center have plasma screen TVs with cable. The office is still not put away, because it's out of sight, and hence, out of mind. We still need more art for the apartment. Basically, the apartment's incomplete but coming along. I have a $100 gift card for CompUSA, which causes my brain to overload with possible purchases, which could lead to important information being overwritten with ideas about RAIDING 250GB hard drives. Oh well, I never liked those memories of my childhood anyway...

Executive Summary - Things are going well. If my occupational super were more clear, I'd be the happiest boy in the whole wide world. As is, I'll have to settle for being the 13th happiest boy in the whole wide world, and #2 in the Western Hemisphere. Well, I guess I've just made everyone else hate me because my life is going better yours (Except, Anna, of course, because she gets the enviable luxury of living with me). So on that note, good night!

So Much Time, So Little To Do

2005-03-21T14:13:00.000-05:00

Ever have one of those days at work where you don't even know why you showed up because there's nothing for you to do? I'm well into one here. Our last proposal went out Friday, and none of the jobs start for a few days, so my entire work product today has consisted of four numbers on a sheet of paper. Added bonus: my trainee isn't here, so I can't even force-feed him any more of this JOC program. I think my mistake was working too hard last week to get everything caught up, because now I'm without anything to do. Actually, it's a nice change from the exhausting pace of last week, where everything was going wrong all at once. It's so slow here I've only had one email today. ONE! Oh well, back to work... or lack of work.

Eat It With A Spoon

2005-03-18T07:09:00.000-05:00

I've been working too much lately. Suffice it to say that certain coworkers are not pulling their weight, and it's put too much on the shoulders of (primarily) Ryan and myself. It's not that we can't handle it, it's that -- as I so eloquently put it yesterday -- this is not my fucking job. We really don't have the authority to do the stuff we're doing now, but it has to get done. So if we botch something, we're screwed. Still, we've got things under control now, which is actually a fairly impressive feat.

Even though I hate baseball, I still have an opinion about the steroids scandal. First, I think it was a good thing for Congress to get involved, because the American public was not getting a single straight answer about it, and Congress, to some degree, made it happen. Second, I don't think anyone who is found to have been using steroids should have his records taken away, because despite the fact that it was against the law, it wasn't against the rules of the game. That's all I'll say, because baseball bores me.

Finally, I'm concerned about the rock music du jour's 80's retro feel. Am I the only one who remembers the 80's? Does anyone the vast wasteland that was popular music in the 80's? Bands like The Killers need to be stopped before something bad happens. I suspect this is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to return the country to the 80's. When I'm president, putting out new music that sounds too "80's-ish" will be punished with death. But then, so will throwing trash out a car window on the road. Draconian measures are the only way people will learn!

Press Your Luck

2005-03-09T09:36:00.000-05:00

A coworker of mine, Ryan, bought a van on Monday. Yesterday he needed to go pick it up. I agreed to help him out. His other car being in the shop to be painted, we went up to get it in his loaner car. I was going to then follow him back to the office. No problem, right? Wrong. See, his van didn't have tags on it yet. In fact, his wife was at the DMV getting temp tags while we were getting the van. And the loaner only had a rear tag, so we couldn't even pull off one of the dealer tags, slap it on the van, and be off. Instead, he lead in the van, and I followed, in his words, "right on my ass", so as to block the view of his tag... or lack thereof. Even driven 85 on the Beltway so close to the car in front of you that you can't see his car's tires? Have you ever done it for 20 miles? All I could think about was how bad it would be if he ended up with his loaner car rear-ending his new van. Do you even bother calling insurance at that point? We got back without problems, but then Ryan's windshield cracked when he slammed the van's door shut.

In Redskins news, it seems Fred Smoot is going to sign with the Vikings. I'd like to take this time to thank Daniel Snyder for demonstrating to everyone how a rich man can have no sense. Keep a shutdown corner (of which there are few) who will also come up in run support and actually make the tackle, despite playing with a separated shoulder? Nah. Let's trade our top receiver for another receiver with size and injury issues, straight up, and eat his signing bonus, thereby killing our cap space! Do you think the other owners laugh at him behind his back? Or do they just do it in his face?

Finally, the best thing about Cox's cable package? Fox Soccer Net. Of course, when they air matches like Bolton v. Man City (an actual match from yesterday) or Chelsea v. Crummy Team of the Week, it's a little disappointing. Just to be clear, ManU and AC Milan played yesterday. Can I see it? No. Of course not. Today Arsenal plays Bayern Munich, I believe. Will I see it? Not if they can help it!

To Err Is Human

2005-03-05T19:01:00.000-05:00

So earlier this week at work, we were going back over a few of the JOC bids were about to sign, and we discovered a big screwup. The guy I'm training so I can leave misinterpreted the price book, and I failed to catch it. So I ended up being responsible for losing the company a good $50,000 off the bat. So that was a wonderful thing to have to walk into my boss's office and explain to him. Oh, and did I mention my boss is also my father? Good times.

On another note, if you've ever wanted a solid minute's entertainment, I recommend watching Anna unlock our front door. Or, more accurately, try to unlock it. Somehow, "insert key and turn clockwise" is too complex for her. It literally takes her a minute or more to open the damn door. Also, on Monday when we were at my grandparents, she was incapable of opening their front door... which was unlocked. I'm starting to really question her intelligence, because I think the cat is an opposable thumb away from being able to open the damn door.

I'm Better Than Jesus

2005-03-01T21:05:00.000-05:00

4290.34. Beat that.

Now Traveling Down An Interstate Near You

2005-03-01T10:39:00.000-05:00

Each of the past three days, I've ended up driving home at night from Montgomery County. What's that thing about good stuff coming in threes? Because it's a lie. There's nothing fun about it. Frankly, I'm tried of the damned Beltway. I'm tired of driving. And I'm tired of Anna getting to sit in the car and nap while I do the driving. I hearby place a moritorium on driving to and from Montgomery County.

In other news, I have to drive to Montgomery County today for a meeting. What could possibly go wrong?

I did the annual visit to the biological grandparents last night. My biological parents have been divorced since I was two, for those who don't know or simply forgot. I haven't seen my biological father since I was 12 or 13 (not that I much care), but I see my grandparents every year around Christmas. Or, in this case, around President's Day.

Anyway, this time I brought Anna with me, because I enjoy torturing her. Hey, I like my grandparents just fine, but that's in part because they're my grandparents. For Anna, it's just an opportunity to meet new old people, something that's right up there on her list of favorite activities with do-it-yourself trephination. It went well enough, and driving home in the slow wasn't actually that bad, so I have no idea why I'm relating this info. I mean, if there isn't some hilarious outcome, do you really care? Nah, me neither.

Better Late Than Never

2005-02-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

Sensing a growing trend in the deep undergroud of the World Wide Web, I have gotten on a bandwagon most of you have probably never even heard of, let alone used. It's called Ebay. I'm afraid its workings are too vast and complex for your simple minds to understand, so you must take my word for it that it is, to put it in technical parlance, swell. My reason for this? Our apartment's vast, beige walls, mocking me with their emptiness.

In short, we needed wall art. And since we're no longer slacking college students, but productive members of adult society, posters just weren't going to cut it. The problem, of course, is that art is a tricky thing to find. Think about it, if you needed paintings, where would you go to get some -- paintings, I mean. Art galleries won't cut it, because we're poor and, well, actually, that's it. The malls around us (Yes, we have not one, but two within 10 minutes drive!) both have VA Art Expos in them, but all the paintings therein suffer from one of two problems, if not both:

They are still more than we want to pay.
They suffer from what I like to call "Happy Little Trees Syndrome" (Yup, that's a Bob Ross reference). If I see another painting of a rustic covered bridge, I might just snap.

Next, we decided to check out thrift stores. But I do everything on the Internet, and the only thrift store listed on the web was Salvation Army. Happily, they had a location not far from us. Sadly, their art only qualified as such in the loosest sense of the word. That is to say, they were art in the same way it's art when someone burps the alphabet.

So I turned, quite sagely, to Ebay. I've been reluctant to use it because of paranoid delusions (which my shrink tells me were formed due to a childhood of loving, supportive parents -- the bastards) that I'll get screwed. Frankly, that's just my luck. But when I win a bid for $0.01 because there's no reserve, I think I'll survive. My theory on the no reserve thing, by the way, is the fact that they want $24.99 for shipping. They're getting their money there (I just used all three "there"s), so they don't need a high bid result. Also, the fact that most of these paintings are from aspiring or part-time artists means you get more originals which have the (slim) chance of being valuable some day.

Anyway, I'll know in a week or two whether or not I've been converted to the Church of Ebay (or is that eBay?). In the meantime, if you talk to me, you'll have to hear about my latest conquering hero story ("So there it was, less than four days left to bid, already zero bidders were battling for it, and I just slipped in there with my one cent bid and won it!"). But hey, it's not like you people listen to what I have to say.

A Story of Justice

2005-02-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

There is no story of justice. I just couldn't think of a relevant title. I am a liar of the worst sort, that is, the sort that lies in blog titles. I can think of no lower form of human being, save Republicans (ZING!).

Speaking of Republicans, our cat is quite the pro. Few are the cats that can match her skill at being in just the wrong place at the right time. Like, you know, on my laptop keyboard when I'm trying to do work. Or maybe under my feet when I'm walking in the dark. Yes, she truly has mastered the art of sitting on important papers. Also, she is honing her skill at running around and playing in the loudest possible way in the middle of the night, and is doing graduate level studies in standing on people while they sleep. I have, however, just discovered a solution to many of these problems: a cat harness. It seems Waffles is not enamored with wearing a harness, and just lies down on the floor and looks unhappy. For the record, she rarely lies still, but the harness has powers unlike anything else I've ever seen. I've yet to test its powers at night yet, though, so we'll see if it can truly keep her passive-aggresive terror campaign in check.

In other news, video games have reached a new low. I didn't think one could get lazier than people who play Everquest all day. I was wrong. Horribly, shamefully wrong.

That's all for now. More later.

D'oh!

2005-02-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

The link in my last entry is screwed up, and I can't fix it in links. I'll fix it when I get home, but until then, the underwear story is here. I hope it works this time.

My New Home

2005-02-10T16:05:00.000-05:00

Hey, hey! Great start for the state of Virginia and I. The state's House of Delegates has passed a bill making it a $50 fine for exposing your underwear. This bill has been talked about for some time, but now it's one step closer to being law. Now, I think anyone who wears their pants down around their tighs looks like a fool, but that doesn't mean there needs to be laws about it. That's even more foolish.

On an interesting side-note, did you know that Virginia's state song until 1997 was maybe a touch racist? Here are the lyrics. Enjoy, massa!

Oh, Yeah!

2005-02-08T11:43:00.001-05:00

I forgot to mention that if you haven't played Words That Follow yet, you are less than human, fit only for consumption as Soylent Green in the all too near future.

Bits and Pieces, Odds and Ends, Flibberties and Gibbets

2005-02-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

Nothing exciting, just some various things that have gone on lately. For example, not to overstate it, but I am the single smartest person in the history of this, or any, universe. Why? Because I managed to put together an IKEA filing cabinet without instructions. It's funny how those things look like a random collection of wood cuttings someone swept in a box until you finish and suddenly, it's furniture! The fact that this thing was half the size, if that, of our dressers would seem to imply that it'd take half as long to build, but I think IKEA purposely designs their furniture so that any given piece takes roughly 45 minutes to build. Or maybe there's some correlation between price and time to assemble. I don't know, and frankly, I don't care anymore. Only one more cabinet to build.

Here at the office we have a courier who we'll call "Pratt", because that's his name. Pratt's an older guy who's been here forever and knows the streets of DC better than anyone else in history, possibly excluding L'Enfant. Anyway, Pratt, not unlike a certain blogger we all know, enjoys complaining, if for no other reason than to complain. He has a box here in the office where people drop things for him to deliver, and he will frequently complain about having to drive all the way to Gaithersburg or Baltimore or some other far-off destination. Similarly, he will complain that some location is too close to the office to waste his time. In other words, there's no pleasing him. So it was that yesterday he took an envelope from his box with "Pratt" hand-written on it in green ink and began complaining that people just throw things in his box and don't bother to tell him where to take them and he's not a mind reader and yadda, yadda, yadda. I was sitting nearby and thought I'd toss out an idea, "He, Pratt," I said, "Maybe the envelope's for you." Of course it was for him, but if I didn't phrase it as a suggestion, he'd never bother to check. But as a suggestion, he instead listened, and much to his shock, it was his mileage check, just as it is every week. Sigh.

Okay, that's all for now. It's been a few hours since I've had to do somebody else's job for them, so it should be any minute that someone enters my office with a confused look on their face. Word up.

Ready To Rock If You Want To Roll

2005-02-06T17:33:00.000-05:00

As I type this, I am watching what may very well be the pinnacle of human achievement. That's right, Animal Planet's "Puppy Bowl". It's just hours of footage of puppies playing in a small enclosure. Seriously, this is better than their regular shows. Just a few minutes ago, they had a guy come out dressed as a ref. He said something along the lines of, "We have a puppy foul at the 25 yard line. We also have one at the 30. Off-setting fouls. Play on!" And proceeded to pick up dog crap at the 25 and 30 yard lines. Why do I have the feeling this guy's agent said, "Well, kid. I can get you a SAG card, but there's a small catch..."? I hope you all get to catch at least a few minutes of this show.

Anna and I have been busier than... something busy... lately. Yesterday we rented a cargo van and drove to the beach to pick up my parents' old furniture from their beach house. Their current renters have their own furniture, so the stuff that was in there is ours now. We managed to fit a couch, arm chair and ottoman, two other ottomans, a queen-size matress and box spring, a coffee table, and lamp in the van. Who said all those years of Tetris never paid off? Today we got to carry it all up to the fourth floor. Seriously, who builds an apartment building without an elevator? Thankfully my mother brought one of my brothers over to help. The two of us managed the big stuff pretty well, so it could have been worse. Throw in the fact that the only IKEA item left to be built is one of our cabinets, and I'd say we're looking pretty well furnished at this point. This means we'll probably have pictures in the near future. But in the mean time, here is a Terraserver picture of our apartment, or rather, where our apartment will be. As you can see, it was still under construction when the photo was taken. Better than nothing, right?

Rapture

2005-01-29T20:13:00.000-05:00

Guess who has returned to the vast wastelands of the Internet? That's right, Jesus! ...but also me. And as interesting as the return of Lord and Savior to the glorious, but inherently sinful, universe of pornography and emails from Nigerians in need of a gullible American to help them transfer a large sum of money by sending them several smaller, but still large, sums of money may or may not be, it's not the topic of this blog. So instead, let's talk about me. And by "let's talk", I mean "I'll type and you'll read".

After a week in this place, we finally got cable and internet. Cox was supposed to give us a DVR box, but no dice. And they haven't set up our phone service (We're getting VOIP, baby. It's like regular phone, but goes out when the power does!) yet, either. But hey, who needs a phone? In my opinion, phones are too personal, anyway. So, long story short, I can now watch cable TV while surfing the net. It's HBO, too (For the next 3 months, that is. Then the rates go up and we don't go with them.)!

Anyway, I've been way too busy at work to post here, and nothing particularly interesting has been happening (work, sleep, repeat). Today Anna and I went to IKEA, despite my hatred for the place. We got over $500 of the finest pressboard, all of which had to be hauled up three flights of stairs. How can such cheap furniture be so heavy? I think we ended up paying something like a dollar a pound. Still, it's nice to have dressers and bookshelves now, which will eliminate a good deal of our boxes. But Anna can tell you about all that, because it's more her sort of thing anyway. Right now she's bringing Waffles over here from her house. What a terrible thing, a cat being stuck with the name Waffles... sigh...

That's all for now. Just thought I'd confirm for you that I'm not, in fact, dead. Anyway, I'll post again later, possibly with pictures of the apartment, later. Until then, adios.

Best. URL. Evar.

2005-01-21T19:51:00.000-05:00

They didn't really think about their URL, did they?

Here's A Little Story That Must Be Told

2005-01-11T13:05:00.000-05:00

I've been too busy lately to post anything, but that's okay, because most of you have heard anything interesting that has happened to me lately, like, oh, failing my polygraph. The madness continues this week, as this WSSC job continues to drive me insane. But, hey, it's not like I'm training a new guy at the same time... oh, wait, yes it is.

I've got my second poly on Thursday, so I'll probably be in a crappy mood Thursday evening again. That's always fun. Nothing like being told that you're not being truthful when you are to really pick up one's mood. Apparently I must have some split personality that has done some bad things. So I've got that going for me, which is nice.

That's all I've got right now, because I've got more work to do. So leave me alone.

It Happened Again

2005-01-06T22:56:00.000-05:00

Oh, Bill Gates. You make it so easy. Seriously, don't you rehearse these things? How can you allow your PC tocrash during a demo again? The jokes just write themselves.

(n + 1) Dimensional Chess, Anyone?

2004-12-28T13:04:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to conceptualize (n + 1) dimensional chess lately (where n is a positive integer, mind you), and have come up with the following conceptual dilemmas:

While it is clear to me how knights, rooks, bishops, kings, and queens should move, pawns are giving me some trouble. The problem is that pawns must always "advance", but what meaning does "advance" take on in a 3-dimensional context, for example?

How do the number of pieces and their arrangment change at a given number of dimensions? A related question is this: in standard chess, a pawn is promoted by reaching the opponents back line. In more dimensions, is that still a back line? Or does it become a back plane, back space, etc.?

Where do the two sides begin in relation to one another?

So as you can see, I've not perfected this yet. But if we jumped into the middle of a game where all the pawns had been removed, I'd understand the rules (except castling, because it depends on the layout) just fine. Rooks can change a single dimensions value in their coordinates, bishops can change any two by amounts with the same absolute value, knights move two spaces in one dimension and one in a second, kings move one space in any one dimension, and queens move like bishops or rooks. See? Simple.

Any one got any clues about how the starting positions and pawn movements would scale? Because then things like en passant and castling kinda fall into place. And then I start playing my computer in 6-d chess!

Salty, Salty Is My Salad

2004-12-28T09:18:00.000-05:00

Christmas has come and gone, and nothing exciting happened, except that my grandfather gave all the kids a copy of The O'Reilly Factor For Kids. The only ones who didn't get the book were myself, Matt, and Michele, either because we're all in college or beyond, or because we're all very liberal and therefore lost causes. I like to think it's the second one. As far as presents go, I doubt any of you really care what I got, just as I don't care what you got.

My brothers, however, got MP3 players. So they've been trying to use my music library, but the software isn't designed to handle the songs being from a web server. You have to download each song and add it to the program's music library. Most of the programs work this way, but this one is even worse because if you hand it a playlist full of URLs, it'll try to look for the files on the disk. Anyway, the solution, of course, like so many other things, is Samba. I figured I'd set up a share on my computer, and simply map the drive on the Windows machines. Setting up a share in Samba is bloody easy. Getting other computers to use it isn't. First problem: Samba, like everything else on my system, is set to use a hostname, not the computer's IP. This is because the router uses DHCP, and it could very well change (the router doesn't support designated IPs). The router bollocks this, though, because it doesn't do DNS resolution on DHCP client hostnames. Getting the sense that my router kinda sucks? Yeah, me, too. That's fine, though, I configured Samba to handle WINS resolution, and set the Windows machine to use my box as its WINS server. Of course, I had to give it the IP of my machine, which defeats the whole purpose, anyway. So now I'm looking at hauling my old blue computer out of the basement and turning it into a NAT/DHCP server and just using the router as a wireless access point. It's either that or get a new router. Sigh... Suggestions are welcome, to those of you who understood what I'm talking about.

In other news, I've got no other news. Goodbye.

Have You Ever Made Love To A Goat?

2004-12-22T09:50:00.000-05:00

I just found out I'm scheduled to do my polygraph on January 4th. I asked where this puts me in the process as far as getting my security clearance, to which my recruiter replied, "It'll definitely be 2005." Hey, that's great news, seeing as it's 2004 now. So I've got anywhere from four to twelve months left to wait. I was also told they're looking for unclassified work for the meantime, but the chances of that are slim, seeing as the CIA doesn't have much unclassified work available. I guess this pretty much guarantees that I'll be moving out before I have my new job, because I'm not doing another year at home.

2004-12-21T10:14:00.000-05:00

I have complained before about how software EULAs heavily favor the producer over the consumer, effectively protecting the software company from any liability whatsoever. For example, using any major tax software, should you provide complete, correct information on all items needed for it to calculate your taxes, and it miscaculates them, you're SOL. Many of them say that they are not at fault if the errors arise for "any reason". Sounds fair, don't it?

Anyway, the latest news doesn't change that at all, but it does begin to rectify another chief complaint I have about EULAs. If one purchases a piece of software, typically the EULA is inside the shrinkwrapped CD case, which, when opened, is not returnable to most stores. So, if you don't agree to the license, you're screwed, because you can't return it, either. Well, a couple major retailers in California have agreed to change this as settlement in a lawsuit.

I personally have run into this problem when I purchased a compiler some years ago. The compiler's EULA stated that the compiler's developers could restrict the distribution of any product created with the compiler. I refused to accept the EULA, and promptly brought the software back to CompUSA, where I had purchased it. At first they refused to accept it, because the shrinkwrap was opened, meaning I could have copied the CD. But I pointed out, in my outside voice, that since all I had actually purchased was a license to use the software, and, upon actually being able to review the license, discovered that said license was not what it seemed, they would do well to simply return my money before I took things further. Since at this point I was using a Socratic debate technique I fondly call "yelling and banging the counter after every word for emphasis", they caved and gave me my money. Would I have taken it further if they had not refunded my money? Maybe I'd have notified the BBB, but I'd not have persued it very hard, and that's exactly why the policy remains. It takes people like the one in the article to change the system. The rest of us are too damn lazy.

This Title Censored By The FCC

2004-12-21T09:20:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's just my anti-social tendency to despise authority, but this censorship nonsense has to stop. I know I'm not blazing a new trail here, but it's gone too far. To wit: On my way home last night, I first heard Dirt Off Your Shoulder by Jay-Z. This song contains the following lyric, "Middle finger to the law, nigga, grip'n my balls," which had typically been edited to, "Middle finger to the law, [blank], grip'n my [blank]." Well, now it's being edited to, "[blank]." That's right, the entire line is wiped out. Then later I heard Everything Zen by Bush, which contains the lyric, "Should I fly to Los Angeles / find my asshole brother," which, since its release in 1994, has typically gone unedited. Lo and behold, now the entire word "asshole" is reversed. Ten years, nobody complains, now this?

What's going on here? Why are songs that have been out for years suddenly being edited? Because radio stations are afraid of being fined by the FCC. Radio stations have suddenly had a microscope placed over everything they do, and they're overcompensating because nobody knows what the FCC deems unacceptable. See, the FCC's Enforcement Policies simply state that they should regulate obscene and indecent speech. What constitutes obscene or indecent speech? Damned if I or anyone else really knows. So for fear of crossing the line, radio is staying well away from it.

One last note about obscene and indecent speech: they are different. Obscene speech is not protected by the First Amendment, while indecent speech is. What's the difference? Your guess is as good as mine. I'm sure there's some legal difference between the two, but I'm unaware of it. Ask me about libel or the fair use clause of copyright law sometime, though. I'm money on those.

Shazbot!

2004-12-20T11:25:00.000-05:00

If I were going to put together a compilation of Wu Tang songs, it'd have to include the following:

C.R.E.A.M.

Method Man
Reunited
Protect Ya Neck
Shame On A Nigga
Wu Tang Clan Ain't Nothin' Ta' Fuck Wit
Shaolin Worldwide
Uzi
Gravel Pit
Mystery Of Da Chessboxin
Triumph

So it was quite pleasent to discover that all these songs (and more) are on Legends of Wu Tang. My only complaint with the album is that the version of Method Man is a remix with different lyrics, which throws me off every time. Still, I highly recommend it to anyone who likes Wu Tang.

This weekend's biggest event was the Wright family Christmas party. Or should I say parties? See, normally we have the party at my uncle's house, but for a couple of reasons, namely he's a bit tired of having to do the whole thing, and a couple of people wanted to have it at their house, we came to a Chamberlain-esque compromise: a multi-house party. Think of a progessive dinner, minus the dinner. In essence, this meant five houses in eight hours or so, each for about an hour. It combined all the joys of lots of driving with the fun of seeing the same people at every stop, just with a different background. Not to mention that five people had to clean, decorate, and prepare their homes for a whopping sixty minutes of party. So, while it was nice to see my relaties, it was not the best time ever. I don't think we'll be having one these parties again until hell freezes over.

Of course, given the present weather, that might be tomorrow. This morning I left the house with wet hair, which was frozen before I reached my car... a walk of 10 seconds. That's what I call wind chill.

Karate Explosion

2004-12-17T15:55:00.000-05:00

Normally, when a creationist explains why evolution is wrong, they build a Straw Man along the lines of "evolutionists would have you believe we're descended from chimps". Of course, no half-decent evolutionist is claiming such a thing. I'm not descended from my cousin, I'm related to him; so it is with chimps. But this one has taken a novel approach: evolution is wrong because our literature contains dragons. Apparently, if people around the world have stories about similar creatures, it must be true. Taking that into consideration, I must warn you all to watch out for vampires, chimera, giants, were-creatures, succubi and other demons, and, of course, the person / tree / animal supporting the planet.

Born Annoying

2004-12-16T16:48:00.000-05:00

I got my hands on a copy of Helmet's new album, Size Matters, the other day. The prospect of the return of another good band was one that was too good to pass up. Boy was I disappointed.

At one time, Helmet was the Next Big Thing. An enormous bidding war took place as they were hailed as the next Nirvana. The album that inspired the bidding war was Strap It On, which I've seen described as "auditory violence". This was their style: stoccato rythms, wailing guitars over crunchy, metallic dissonance, gruff lyrics that invoked a feeling of hopelessness.

They honed that sound on their later CDs, especially Betty, taking seemingly simple musical themes and expanding them in creative ways. In some ways, they bore a semblance to Kyuss, for example. But while Kyuss's songs were warm and mellow, -- a peyote trip in the deserts of the Southwest -- Helmet's were a Winter's march through a concrete jungle; harsh and unforgiving. Their final release before breaking up, Aftertaste, showed an evolving sound, invoking more of frontman Page Hamilton's classical training. Slickly produced, it was more inventive, demonstrating false choruses, odd bridges, and more melodic lyrics. But on tracks like Exactly What You Wanted, it still attacked. All in all, it was at times brilliantly unexpected, and at others a return to what Helmet did best.

And now they've been reborn, releasing Size Matters. The first reaction I had to the CD was, "Wow, Page Hamilton's voice has lost it's edge." This was a problem, because his voice had so well fit their music. But if the music were still strong, it'd matter not. Instead, it seems as if someone at Interscope said to them, "We'd like you to Linkin Park-ify Aftertaste." I say this because the new album feels as if it's trying to be more approachable, more catchy. The lyrics are weak, the dissonance is toned down, the beats are a touch too catchy. This is sad, because at one time Helmet's music was like a big "fuck you" to the mainstream. Now it feels as if they've compromised their values.

Still, it's not all bad. Indeed, the further into the CD you go, the better the songs get. But they still aren't good. I don't know if this is because I expect more of Helmet, or because they just aren't good songs, regardless of who wrote them. Still, at times I get a twinge of nostalgia when I hear something distinctly Helmet on their new album, and that's a good sign; clearly the talent is still there. But it just isn't put together well.

It gives me hope for their next album, though.

On another note, I'm sleepy. Clearly I've not been sleeping well lately, and while this isn't a new occurance, it's still irritating. Throw on top of that all the work I can stand to do (and then some), and you've got the makings of exhaustion. When I entered the same line item into the computer five times in a row, I knew I had to call it quits until tomorrow. Too bad it's due tomorrow. Why is it that when you ask the other guys for something, they take a week, but they expect it from you in two days? Sigh...

Still, there's the prospect of Mighty Ducks 4 to keep me going. What more do I need?

Presents Make Baby Jesus Cry

2004-12-15T10:05:00.000-05:00

If it weren't enough that I hate the holidays in general, I get to add to that the joy of Secret Santa at work. Here's the thing about Secret Santa at work, it's a depressing affair that just demonstrates how little coworkers know about one another. Look, if one has a good friend at work, wouldn't one get them a present either way? This just forces you to guess about someone's taste. For example, I got someone I've worked with for three years now, and have no idea what to get her. I work with her, not discuss our tastes and hobbies. In fact, my company has been trying to crack down on the amount of idle chit-chat around the office, thereby reducing the chances of people knowing each other well enough to get them gifts. I'd like to thank the twin pillars of lazy gift-giving, the gift certificate and the gift receipt, for making things easier on Secret Santas everywhere.

On a related note, did you know that if you flip a Windows display upside down, everything that looks recessed looks as if it's coming out, and vice versa? It's good fun. I've noticed the effect before, but I'm looking at some screenshots I'm printing, and they're all upside-down from my point of view. It's like all the buttons have been pressed!

Not Even EA Could Get An Exclusive License To Everywhere Girl

2004-12-14T01:35:00.000-05:00

I don't know what it is about Everywhere Girl, but she is, as her name suggests, everywhere. Who's stock photos are these? Why does everyone think they are so great for marketing? Is this the beginning of the alien takeover?

Electronic Arts has acquired an exclusive license with the NFL, meaning nobody else will be making an NFL football game next year. Hey, great! Nothing breeds innovation like a monopoly! EA totally won't sit on their laurels now. Those who buy these games (ahem, me) should probably be prepared to shell out $50 every year for updated rosters. Who said capitalism doesn't work?

AOL: For Idiots, By Idiots

2004-12-13T13:39:00.000-05:00

AOL has decided to create a standalone browser to allow access to AOL's excusive content. For reasons beyond me, they are basing this browser on IE. Ummm, AOL? Don't you own Netscape? Don't you have their rights to the Mozilla project, which gives you permission to use that technology in commercial products? Aren't you giving away anti-virus software to users of AOL? And now you're building a browser based on IE instead of, say, Firefox? Couldn't AOL have just added a few entensions to Firefox and slapped an AOL logo on it? I just don't understand.

On issues not... uh... computery, this weekend Anna and I started watching The OC DVD from the beginning. Who else forgot that at one point Ryan worked as a busboy? Or the mind-blowing comedy that was Ryan's mom? It's fantastic. The DVD's worth every penny, because the show really was money from episode 1. Also, on last week's episode, I totally called that Lindsay would be Caleb's daughter when they first mentioned him having a child 16 years ago. I award myself 25 points.

Other than that, nothing exciting happened this weekend. It was a rather slow moving weekend in general, but I've got my Christmas shopping done, so I don't have to worry about that. Also, I don't think I pissed Anna off at any point. That's enough to make it a good weekend.

Penn State Tells 80,000 Students To Chuck IE

2004-12-11T11:01:00.000-05:00

Of course, how many will actually switch? Ten? Sixteen? Maybe twenty? Oh well, it's a start.

If You'd Like To Make A Call, Please Hang Up And Go Fuck Yourself

2004-12-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

What's Blogger's TOS policy on curse words? Anyone know? I guess I'll find out... The point of this post isn't, however, to find out Blogger's curse word policies (That's simply a side effect. Think Von Neumann.), but to discuss the phone systems here at work.

Keep in mind that all of what I'm about to tell you has it's roots in information given to me by one who is best described as a Luddite. So I can't be sure of exactly how it works, but I've managed to fill in some of the details. See, since our accounting people are moving to a new office, we have had need to acquire a new phone system to transparently connect the two. But this system is not without problems. I shall address the flaws of said system in a two-pronged format.

Prong the first is this: for reasons I do not know, the phone system is run through the file server. Perhaps it's a VOIP system, though I doubt it because the acronym would have been repeated throughout the building hundreds of times by now by people who think it makes them seem cutting edge. Perhaps they're using the server to handle switching instead of purchasing a separate device for that purpose. Like I said, I don't know. But it means that, should the file server be shut down, the phone system goes down like a Vietnamese whore on a guy brandishing a stack of twenties. But, of course, the file system getting shut down is really unlikely. I mean, how often will it need to be reset for Windows Updates? Or when they need to upgrade the software? Or when it just craps out and BSODs? All I know is, the more parts to the system, the more points of failure. And it's not like throwing more work on an otherwise busy server has any downfalls. I'm sure this'll work out just fine!

Prong the second: Any time you call someone, there's a bizarre pause lasting a few seconds, after you finish dial before it starts ringing. And there's an at least 33% chance your call will just be dropped altogether. So you sit there, as those seconds tick away, hoping that this time, the call will go through. But after 5 seconds, you're still waiting, and now you're not sure if the call's been dropped, or if you haven't waited long enough. Because that's not annoying.

Of course, what more can you expect from a company that spends thousands of dollars on an Exchange server, because the tech guy's about as likely to understand SAMBA and sendmail as the Luddite who told me about the new phone system. This is the guy, you may recall, who didn't want to use Apache -- not even on Windows -- because it was too hard. Instead he did the web equivalent of bending over and dropping his pants: installed IIS. This is also the same company who paid this same tech guy what I was told is about $80/hour to run cable at the new offices. Where can I get a job like that? I'd go to the country club dressed like Uncle Moneybags (Tangent: Have you ever seen Uncle Moneybags and Mr. Peanut in the same place at the same time? Neither have I. I'm telling you, they're the same guy!), informing anyone who'll listen that I make $160k a year running Cat 5 cable. That's my new goal in life.

That's the rant for now. The story of the prince who would be king might have to wait until next week.

Back Again With The Quickness

2004-12-09T10:24:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, happy birthday to my favorite person (other than myself), Anna. With so many people in the world searching for the person with whom they want to spend their life, it's wonderful to already have that person. Especially when that person makes you better, too. So happy birthday, Annalee. I love you.

Now, down to business. Let's do this in the ever popular Q&A format:

Q: Where the hell have you been?
A: My internet's been down for the past week.

Q: What happened?
A: I don't know. In fact, Comcast doesn't know.

Q: What?
A: My sentiments exactly. See, it went out last Thursday. It came back for a few hours on Firday, and again on Saturday, but for the most part, it's been dead.

Q: So how is it working now?
A: Uhh, magic? Seriously, I'm not sure. You know the problem is a doozy when the Tech Support person schedules a technician to come out after less than 2 minutes on the phone with you.

Q: So the technician fixed it?
A: Not exactly. See, the moment he walked into my room (where the cable modem is), I watched the modem connect. He didn't do anything, save existing. It just connected, perhaps out of fear, perhaps because my life is a big joke.

Q: So what was the problem?
A: Like I said, nobody knows. The tech checked all the connections, and tested the signal, everything was good.

Q: So what's to stop it from happening again?
A: Not a blasted thing, damn it all. Let's just say that I informed the modem that the next time I'm calling out a different technician to fix the problem, Mr. Baseball Bat. He solves his problems through violence.

Q: I like violence.
A: Me, too.

So, in short, I'm up now, and hopefully for good.

What have I been up to in all this time, you ask? Not a whole hell of a lot. Work, work, work, sleep, sleep, sleep, not necessarily in that order. I mean, I could talk about things that happened over Thanksgiving, like Drew getting stuck in an elevator, but Thanksgiving was two weeks ago. Who really cares any more?

Last weekend, though, in the period of time when the internet actually worked, Anna showed me what kind of engagement ring she wants. It can best be described with one word: expensive. You may not realize it, but Anna has expensive tastes in life, and there's no exception here. I think she thinks I'm going to propose soon. I'm debating whether it'd be too cruel if I gave her a ring box with just a note inside saying, "Sorry, please try again!" or something. It'd certainly be funny, but I think it would cause Anna to claw me, and she's not afraid to break the skin.

That's all for now. Perhaps soon I'll tell you all the tale of the prince who would be king.

What Is This "Hooking Up" Of Which You Speak?

2004-11-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

A special thanks to Captain Way-Behind, Mark Merrill. Tomorrow he's going to tackle this new-fangled "Inter-web". Then later he's going to explain how the extinction of the dinosaurs impacts the family.

I Gots Ta Get Paid

2004-11-19T15:11:00.000-05:00

Picked up a raise the other day, because I added another program to the list of software that the company relies upon but only I understand. This particular one is for the JOC contracts I've mentioned before. The guy from the consulting firm that came in to help us work with it said I picked it up faster than anyone else he's taught. No surprise there, frankly. By the end of the session, I was explaining to him how some of the things work. So this means I'm making nearly double what I started at here four years ago. That's right, I'm up to $1.50 an hour! Seriously, though, I hope this system of my salary nearly doubling every four years holds up at ManTech, too. I'd be making millions before I'm 50! Of course, after the inflation caused by the Great Robot Wars, minimum wage would be $750k a year, so it's not really saying much. And then there's the impending Monkey Wars to worry about. Man, I'll never get ahead. How am I going to afford a hovercar for my kid's 16th birthday, let alone send them to Mars U?

Here's a link to somebody counting down until Hermione's 18th birthday. That's Hermione, a character from the Harry Potter novels. At first I thought he was counting down to the birthday of the actress, Emma Watson. But no, he's not. Her birthday, according to IMDB, is in April. The countdown's for September 19, 2008. Too bad he's an idiot, because, according to the books, Hermione turned 18 six years ago. Still, it's funny to see someone wait for a fictional character to come of age.

Ever hit a bunch of traffic, and then, less than a mile later, it all disappears? Yeah, me, too. My current theory as to why it happens involves two universes converging in that area. So you'll be driving along with people from some other universe, who will then drive back off into their universe as you do the same into yours, thereby clearing up the road again. Just hope you don't get hit by one of those other-universe drivers. Who's to say their insurance will cover you?

2004-11-17T09:04:00.000-05:00

I heard Linsay Lohan's stupid suckfest of a song (How's that for a description? You won't see that in the commercials: "Rolling Stone says they didn't listen to the song, but Lindsay's really hot. Ben Storer calls it a stupid suckfest. Vibe says they're tired of all the overproduced white girls and demand equal time for overproduced black girls.") "Rumors", or "Rumours" for you Brits out there, on the radio yesterday. I've seen the video on MTV2 a few times (Yes, I watch MTV2 sometimes. 150 channels and I choose MTV2. I am ashamed of myself.), but not yet on the radio. In honor of this event, I shall reproduce my first viewing of the video:

The video starts, and after a few seconds of trying to place her, I realize the singer is Lindsay Lohan. I say to Nick, who is watching it with me, "Is that Lindsay Lohan?". He gives me a shrug in response. "I think it is," I say, "Since when is she a singer?" A short pause follows while we take in the video. "Man, her voice is really overproduced," I add. Nick finally speaks, cutting right to the heart of the matter, "She's really hot."

Just to clarify, she has a song about how she hate being in the spotlight? She made a video for her song, despite the fact that she wants to be left alone? If you wanted to be left alone, Lindsay, why did you decide to add pop singer to your resume? Are you so dense that you don't know pop stars get more press than movie stars? Isn't this like me trying to spell out "I HATE BEING ELECTROCUTED" using downed power lines?

I am often concerned with the antics of my entourage. But now, Slate has provided me with tips on managing my entourage. For those of you who are entouragely challenged, help is on the way.

In other news, Ted Logan was right; San Dimas High School football does rule.

Mass Exodus

2004-11-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

Ashcroft's out. Powell ended months of speculation by resigning. Now a number of others are following suit. Secretaries of Agriculture, Energy, and Education, I believe. Teachers everywhere should be glad to see Secretary of Education Rod Paige resign. For those who don't know, Paige was the Superintendant of Houston's school system, and the architect of the "Texas Miracle", upon which the No Child Left Behind Act was based. Of course, investigations later found rampant fraud and misreportated statistics, including 3,000 students who should have been listed as dropouts but weren't. Also, he referred to nation's largest teachers' union, the NEA, as a "terrorist organization" because it was trying to block aspects of the No Child Left Behind Act. Good riddance. But, let's be honest, whoever replaces him will probably be as bad, because Bush is picking the replacement, too. Sidenote: I don't know if the others stepping down are any good or not, because I have no connections to their areas of work. On the other hand, my mother and girlfriend are both teachers, so I have a certain vested interest in education. I'm sure most of you don't, so feel free to smile and nod while I rant.

In other news, my earlier statements about Halo 2 were, if anything, understatements. The Halo 2 disc is clearly the finest arangement of matter in the history of this, or any, universe. It improves on Halo in many ways: level design, graphics, multiplayer, just to name a few. But it still retains everything that made the first Halo fun. The story's a bit contrived, though. At one point I said to my brother, with whom I was playing, "How the hell did we end up on another Halo? Weren't we just on Earth?" He just shrugged in response, and we went back to killing anything that moved. In conclusion, Halo 2 is very good, the best in it's genre, that's for sure, but I think Bungie could have made that extra leap to make it the best in any genre. It doesn't redefine gaming the way GTA3 did, for example. But it's probably the best multiplayer. Better than Counterstrike, or the original Halo, or the immortal classic, Goldeneye.

That's all for now. Go now, and remember these words when things get tough: 13 isn't prime in base 15.

Good Riddance

2004-11-10T09:09:00.000-05:00

John Ashcroft resigned yesterday. See, there is a God. My theory: he was forced to resign by the Bush administration because they've taken too much flak about him in the past four years. Perhaps they're really trying to mend fences. Hey, I can hope, right?

On the way to work yesterday, there was a big accident on the Beltway. There was a car which had been plowed from behind by a dump truck and was now only a couple feet long, not to mention attached to the dump truck. The fire fighters were trying to pry it loose with crowbars. Good times... except for, you know, the people in the car.

Since I posted, it's clear that Halo 2 has not yet come. My brothers are way more excited than I am, though. Nick actually said, "I better do my homework now, in case Anna brings it over later.", words I'd never expect from him.

H-Day

2004-11-09T09:24:00.000-05:00

Halo 2 comes out today. Though I haven't played it, I can say, without doubt, that it is the single most important piece of work in the history of the universe. Or at least, that's what the hype would have me believe. Personally, I think Son in Law with Pauly Shore is still number 1. Between Halo 2 and GTA:SA, now would be a good time for me to get sick. You hear that strep?

I listen to music roughly 10-12 hours every day. That gives me tons of time to form opinions about said music. Now I'm going to share those opinions with you, my audience that doesn't care in the least:

Fabolous's Breathe has a great beat. I don't deny that. But could we overplay it a little more? I mean, his work on the song is alternately great and dismal. Is he just a Jay-Z style rapper who flourishes with a great beat and struggles without one? Give that beat to Talib Kweli and he hits it out of the park, doesn't he? Instead he's stuck rapping over Mary J. Blige's sucky, half-assed singing.
Compare this with Trick Daddy's Let's Go, which edges out Fabolous for the best beat in heavy rotation right now. I mean, the hook is from Crazy Train, damnit! And Trick Daddy and Twista do a better job on the track than Fabolous does on his. I mean, Twista is, for once, listenable! Add to this the fact that you've got a Lil' John chorus, and we've got SOLID GOLD. Sidenote: why did Lil' John give away a quality beat. Shouldn't he have kept it for himself? Or did he realize that he would have ruined it by shouting all over it? I need answers here.

Duality

Imagine

hate

I need to talk to Snoop for a minute. The rest of you can feel free to pick your nose or something. Snoop, it's me, Ben. Look, Snoop, this new song, Drop It Like It's Hot, well, it sucks, Snoop. B-A-D, bad, Snoop. I've been a fan for years, even when you insisted on hyping up Tha Dogg Pound. But it needs to stop. Leave Pharrell alone, Snoop. Let him go back to being underappreciated as part of N.E.R.D., Snoop. Go back to jacking Parliament beats. Thanks, Snoop. Okay, everyone can come back in now. The intervention is over.
If I hear Bowling for Soup's 1985 again, there will be repercussions. Violent repercussions. Back when I listened to Spinner (i.e., before it started to suck), I'd get mad everytime the Mod Punk station would play them. They were the only band I completely banned from my Yahoo! Launch station. I don't need gimmicky kiddie music, thank you. Tell you what, guys, why don't you sit quietly in a corner and we'll call you when we're ready to do another Saturday Morning Cartoons' Greatist Hits CD. You can have first pick, even. But I doubt you can outdo Helmet's rendition of Gigantor.
Speaking of Helmet, how in the hell did they get back together and release an album without me knowing? Has it been so long that my Helmet-dar has faded like so many, uhh... things that fade? I should be outraged here.

Okay, music rants over for now. You can relax now.

Yasser Arafat is, apparently, dead, alive, in a temporary coma, in an irreversable coma, alive and accepting well-wishers, and fighting crime as Hooded Justice. The fact that a group of doctors can have this much trouble determining the life or death status of a man is disturbing, to say the least. Are they just spinning a "Healt Status Wheel", or something? "Arafat? Oh he's" -- spins wheel, waits for it to stop -- " landed on a dollar! That means he going on to our Showcase Showdown, and gets a bonus spin for the chance to win TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS! Also, he's dead again."

I know the hockey season has been in lockout for a few weeks now, but I just haven't cared yet. I mean, there's still pro and college football to be played. I'm sure I'll be upset come the end of March Madness, but until then, it's business as usual.

The best thing about Bush being reelected? The ability to look any other Democrat in the eye, say "Four more years", and shake your head defeatedly, and have them instantly feel your pain. You could probably use this strategy to get them to buy you free drinks at bars. See, I don't just ramble aimlessly. I also provide helpful tips.

I enjoy Neil Gaiman's work, but I had never read the Sandman series, which is what really put him on the map. I knew I was in for a treat long before he had Lucifer close up hell and release all the damned, but I didn't know just how good it could get until an old woman was holding a fetus which had died in her womb when she was 16, and it was talking. I don't know whether I should be in awe over a mind that can come up with such things, or terrified. I think I'm both.

That's all for now. If you don't see any posts from me for a while, it's Halo 2's fault.

When I'm President, We're Giving Texas Back to Mexico

2004-11-03T13:00:00.000-05:00

Dear America,

What, exactly, was it that drew you to another term for George W. Bush? Was it the deficits? The No Child Left Behind Act, which, ironically, leaves all children behind? The war in Iraq which started under false pretenses and has no end in sight? His plans to dismantle Social Security? Tax cuts for the rich? The USA PATRIOT Act? The fact that he thinks he's on a mission from God? Censorship? His opposition to gay marriage / civil unions? The lack of new jobs? Cripplingly high gas prices? The fact that, regardless of what he says, he dogdged the draft while Kerry served honorably? His failure to master even the basics of the English language? His singled-minded focus on making the United States the most hated nation in the world?

Please. Help me understand. Why did we give this guy the keys to the country AGAIN? Didn't he put us in this mess? Why would he be able to pull us out? And the fact that he's got both houses and no need to worry about reelection just means he's going to do whatever he wants.

Well, fine. I can play this game. I'll just have to get rich in the next two years so I can at least enjoy the tax-free lifestyle he'll be providing. Not to mention that I'll need to be rich when Social Security collapses. Anna, if you want to stop being a teacher, go for it. Go to law school, become an election attorney, and help make us rich.

I've always believed the government should do right for everyone. But I can't worry about everyone else for the next two years (When the mid-term elections hopefully set at least some of this right). I'd drive myself crazy. There's going to be too many things done that I hate to let them all bother me. I have to focus on only those that affect me, and leave the rest of you to do the same for yourselves.

The mess is just starting, people. You could have ended it yesterday, but you chose to make it worse. I don't understand your reasons at all, but I'm sure you have some. I mean, if this were McCain or Dole or something, I could see your reasoning, if not agree. But I just don't understand how this man is being given four more years. It's not like he was running against Hitler.

So, in conclusion, I hope you look back on this in four years and realize you were to blame. You're going to have a great deal of apologizing to do when you come to people like me, who had the sense to oppose this man, to fix this in four years. In the meantime, enjoy the Dark Age that's about to happen, and I hope when it's over, we can laugh together about it.

Love, Ben

P.S. In honesty, I really do believe it could be as bad as this. Every time I think I have figured out the limits to what Bush can do to muck up this country, he goes and raises the bar. Tax refunds in a country with trillions in debt, attacks on gay marriage, crappy, underfunded educational policy, abuse of other countries, wars based upon intentional deception; it boggles the mind. Where does it end?

A Newt? I Got Better

2004-10-28T16:31:00.000-04:00

I'm feeling a lot better today, which is good. I'm still really freaking tired, because I couldn't fall asleep last night. I even tried watching baseball, but no dice. Speaking of baseball, the Red Sox won the World Series last night, meaning I never again have to hear about "The Curse". That was reason enough to root for them. Now 1918 can go back to being remembered for important reasons, like the Sedition Act of 1918, or being the birth year of physicist Richard Feynmann, or, you know, the end of World War I.

You know, if it weren't for Fark, I wouldn't know the answer to important questions like, "What's Full House's Lori Laughlin's bra size?". Apparently, it's 34B. Also, if it weren't for IMDB, I wouldn't know she's married to the guy who created the Mossimo clothing line. Remember when Mossimo was cool? Now it's a brand you can only get at Target. I have no idea what to make of that information.

Blarg

2004-10-27T11:51:00.000-04:00

I'm not feeling so great. I've had a sore throat since yesterday, and it's slowly dragging me down. Hopefully it's not strep, because then I will a) be out of it for a day, b) have to find a doctor, and c) need to force my health insurance company to give me some blasted proof of insurance (Because they haven't, despite having a plan for about 4 months now. In fact, I just got the letter saying I was off my parents' plan last week, and that was also 4 months ago. Idiots...). None of those things sound particularly appealing to me. Also, it would mark the third time in just over a year that I have strep. I feel far worse today than I did yesterday, but that may be because the sore throat kept me from sleeping well last night, and has given me a headache. I don't know, but I do know I don't want to be here at work any longer. But I can't leave for another 4 hours or so. And I don't have a desk I can just crawl under. Maybe I'll just lock myself in my office, because apparently there are no keys to the door save the one I have...

IE!

2004-10-27T09:45:00.000-04:00

Bored? Looking for a good way to bollocks a Windows box? Here's a fun way: remove or otherwise damage MSHTML.dll. This works best on 98/Me, because IE must have exactly the right version of the DLL to work. You'd be surprised how many things stop working when you can't render HTML any more. For example, the System Restore feature of Me. I was working on a computer the other night that had said problem. To make it better, the IE install files were deleted (Thanks Disk Cleanup!), so I couldn't just extract the file again. And the computer was on dialup. And had no other browser. So I couldn't even go to Microsoft's website and download it again. Fortunately I resolved it because I had the Firefox installer on my laptop, which I burned to disk and used to redownload the IE installer. Ironically, MS's knowledge base article on the subject says you should go to the IE download home page and redownload IE. That'd be great, you know, if I could render HTML!

Followup: XP Is Teh Suck

2004-10-25T09:50:00.000-04:00

The "teh" is intentional, so don't try to justify your lack of typing prowess by pointing out my mistake, Tim. Anyway, the problem I mentioned last time was the result, as so many things are, of SP1. Apparently, SP2 is not compatible with Verizon DSL. How an operating system patch should be incompatible with Internet service is beyond me. This explains why it worked on my laptop: I've not allowed SP2 to install. Personally, I'll wait until SP2's service pack is released. Windows XP SP2 SP1, coming soon!

No Single Person Can Replace Me

2004-10-22T11:11:00.000-04:00

We hired two new college students yesterday. Apparently they are going to take over my responsibilities primarily, as well as doing some other things that are unassigned at present. One of them is going to report directly to the President, but since he's often out of the office, there will be plenty of time for other things as well. When one of our superintendents, Randy, found out we had a mechanical engineering major joining ushe was ecstatic because it meant he didn't have to do the as-built drawings. Everyone hates as-builts, because they take too damn long and are quite tedious. Still, they're more down the alley of a mech engineer than secretarial work, so it's not that bad a deal. The other student is going to be an assistant to the project managers, which is my role now. It was my understanding that whoever took over me was going to focus more on the corporate bitchery, and less on the estimating and takeoffs that are about 50% of what I do now. But since my replacement isn't just a random student, but actually a engineering major (not sure what major specificly), they decided to include the takeoff stuff, too. That's what I proposed months ago, because it makes the job more rewarding for whoever does it. Otherwise it's just a job, not a learning opportunity. So now I've got to train my replacement. Should be interesting.

Okay, if you don't know / care about computers, you might want to skip this section completely. I was fixing someone's computer, and have run into a baffling situation. They have Verizon DSL, and apparently Verizon uses Point-to-Point Protocol over Ethernet to connect to the ISP. They do it so you have to log in to use the system. Now, XP treats this in an interesting way. XP makes two connections, one for the actual LAN connection, and one for the PPPoE connection on top of it. Here's the problem: I can connect their computer using PPPoE, but for some reason the LAN connection is screwed up. Every time it tries to connect the LAN, it gives me an error about the LAN connection being limited. Also, the two new employees are both female, and I'm hiding this here in the hopes that my girlfriend's brain has shut down by now. Essentially what's happening is that the LAN isn't succeeding in getting the info from DHCP, so it has no IP address or DNS servers. What happens is that I can ping / view anything I give as an IP, but I can't get it to resolve domain names. I've tried reinstalling the connection, the LAN card, everything there. It's all setup to use DHCP correctly. I've tried giving it my own list of DNS servers, but no dice there, either (even though they are, in fact, the Verizon DNS servers). I'd assumed it was a Verizon problem, until I tried my laptop, and it worked right off. Same settings as the other computer, but it works. Is this Windows' fault (You know, like everything is), would replacing the NIC fix it? Anyone seen anything like this before?

In other news, somebody pointed this out to me, and it made me laugh. Is a crazy nude girl supposed to make you laugh? A note: somebody took the original vid and mixed in the Requiem music, which only makes it creepier. This is patently Not Safe For Work. Also, this is eerily similar to the way I asked Anna to go out with me, except I've got better cleavage.

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

2004-10-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

My dad had some meeting today that required a coat and tie. But when ho got back to the office, he took off the coat and put on a sweater because he was cold. Now he looks like Mr. Rogers (pre-death, that is). He was changing his shoes as I came in, and it was eerily similar. Then he farted and the effect was gone.

Followup: There are now less raisins than there once was. Perhaps someone is eating them, or maybe the rogue raisins have just been sent on a recon mission. Still, the fact that they remain in the kitchen after two weeks is scary. Not as scary as the fact that someone might still be eating them, though. I mean, when you have to chisel individual raisins from the uber-raisin, its time to find a new snack.

In other news, Dave Barry is taking a leave of absence. This means I'll have to spend my time on Sunday mornings reading crappy Marilyn Vos Savant's stupid column instead.

Fhat The Wuck? Addendum 1: Personally, I Woulda Gone For Two

2004-10-15T14:18:00.001-04:00

I also forgot to mention that I have in front of me right now a Diet Dr Pepper. Not impressed yet? It's not just any Diet Dr Pepper, it's an Extra Point Diet Dr Pepper. Apparently, it has "5% MORE THAN A 20OZ". Also, it's shaped and textured as if it were a football. This is great, of course, because I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could drink out of sporting equipment. I'm sure you can make you're own cup joke here.

Fhat The Wuck?

2004-10-15T14:18:00.000-04:00

I'd just like to say that I posted the raisin post about an hour and a half after the one about the Windows programs. Blogger just completely botched the posting, apparently, and made it look as if it were posted a second earlier. I think this was just Blogger's way of continuing their claim to having the least reliable posting system ever. My theory: they saw the link to Tim's RSVP thing, were shamed by the lack of sanity checks, and took steps to make their system the worst again.

On another note, imagine taking a big pickup truck, giving it a higher center of gravity and a larger profile to make it wobble more in the wind, and you've got the van I'm driving now. I had forgotten how the thing corners like a drunk guy riding a child's bike (In other words, not well). Do they make training wheels for automobiles? Also, whenever I put it in reverse, it shakes like it's having a seizure. Is my car done yet?!?

Blasted Gamma Rays

2004-10-15T11:31:00.001-04:00

In the kitchen here at work sits a large bowl of raisins. Somebody put them out last Friday, but most people avoided them like they were goat testicles. I, apparently, am the only one who enjoys raisins, because I ate some, and they always looked the same as I left them. Still, I can only eat but so many raisins, and the supply hadn't even dwindled significantly by the end of the day, despite my best efforts. By Monday, not even I would have been fool enough to eat them (and I ate 4 year-old jelly beans). Now they sit there, presumably plotting their revenge on the world. Curious, I poked and prodded them a little today, and they've begun to harden into one solid mass. At this rate, by November, they'll be one uber-raisin. In addition, they've been sitting on top of an old microwave for three days now, so it's likely that they'll gain superpowers by Christmas, and rule the east coast with an iron... uh, wrinkle, by the new year.

At this realization I said to myself, "Self, I live on the east coast. Someone must stop them!" Since I'm clearly the only one who likes raisins, I realize now that it's up to me. I need to gain my own superpowers to prepare to battle the dried-grape menace. But I'm fresh out of gamma radiation. I guess I'll have to hope for one of those one-in-a-million events that seems to happen nine out of ten times in comic books where I accidentally wander onto a nuclear weapon test range or something. It seems a small chance, but it's the best we've got. Unless, of course, any of you reading this is a millionare playboy, yearning for revenge against crime, or maybe an otherworldly being with magic powers? Also, I'll be accepting applications from ninjas and pirates, and maybe I can acquire the services of one of the few recluse, dreaded ninja pirates.

How To Make Windows Almost Tolerable

2004-10-15T11:31:00.000-04:00

I don't often recommend software that isn't Open Source. But, if you run Windows, and find that your computer is acting the least bit odd, I highly recommend AVG Anti-Virus, Ad-Aware (with VX2 Add-on), and HijackThis. I won't bother with links because too few people I know apply here. Plus, Google can help you find them in a snap. I just felt the need to acknowledge those three tools, because they just tool an old laptop running Windows 98, which would start thrashing about 45 seconds after startup due to viruses, pop-ups, etc., and returned it to normalacy. Also, those three programs can all be obtained for free. Enjoy.

Oh, and if you haven't paid any attention to the "Stolen Honor" thing, you really should. It could be interesting. I was entertained by FCC Commissioner Michael Powell's quote about the program, where he said that stopping the program from airing would be an "absolute disservice to the First Amendment". Since when has he let a little thing like the First Amendment stop him?

Piracy Evolved

2004-10-14T14:19:00.000-04:00

A French version of Halo 2 has found it's way to the internet. No word yet on how it was stolen or by whom. Early reports say that the game is similar to the American version (to be released next month), except for minor variations in the controls. For example, gone are the shoot, punch, and throw grenade buttons of the American version. In their place are surrender, be a pompous asshole, and don't bathe buttons.

One can only hope this means that they will push the release date up some, seeing as the game is already finished and they started the marketing campaign months ago. Still, I guess it doesn't matter too much, because Anna already preordered my copy for my birthday, so I don't have to rush out and get it, pushing pimply 13 year-olds out of the way. Of course, I guess it means I can't dump her for the next month, either, or she'll just keep it. If she just told me she had preordered Halo 22 for me, and it'll be here in 2057, I'd be forced to marry her.

Also, my car is going in for service tonight. So hopefully it'll be fixed by Monday. That means I'm driving the van until then.